Office-ally the best pun thread
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdfiasco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Australian tennis star Bernard Tomic's sister, Ana, agreeing with her friend Ally about the positions of body parts

Ana Tomic: Ally, correct

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My son asked me what a male puppy is called

I told him there called son’s of bitches

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memey-boi099
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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This liter-ally made me laugh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oHoax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I don't always like it when a show switches out villains and makes them an ally

It is just a faux foe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mclovins91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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How did Hitler feel when the allies attacked his bunker?

He was Fuhrerious

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSebtacular
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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I physic-ally can't handle this joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aHecc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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This is toad-ally terrible but...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pushinbombadils
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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What did the Allies call the operation to depose Mussolini?

Finito Benito

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πŸ‘€︎ u/W-eye
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Russian, British, and French soldiers fought together in world war 1. Their whole life was ally.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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germans:" i thought we were a team, why did you switch sides?" italians:"

Allied"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitman07435
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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TIL During WW2, The Allies targeted the ball bearing factory in Germany where the Nazis made all of the bearings for the war.

They were trying to get the Nazi war machine to grind to a halt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgpbabs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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The Germans didn’t think the Allies would make so much progress in WWII.

They did Nazi that coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/planemanx15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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On this day in 1944 the smallest soldier in WW2 was captured by the Allies.

He was caught sleeping on his watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H20ape
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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Should r/dadjokes join the allies in the meme world war

I think yes people join me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creativename-here
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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Every time we would pass a bowling ally:

Dad: I hear the employees are going on strike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/socksonplates
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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What did Hitler say after the Allies took Normandy on D-day?

"Wow, I did Nazi that coming!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinCDavis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2017
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What do you call an Arabic friend?

Ali.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TubaXYZ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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If the silver surfer and iron man teamed up, they'd be alloys!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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What do you call a crocodile who fought against Germany in world war II?

An Ally-gator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gptz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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it's all history
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sedatetoucan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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There is a clear difference between a poison dart frog and a bullfrog.

As if it wasn't obvious enough...

They're two toad-ally different things!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ecquid-indignius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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Turns out butter makes plain toast better…

…but only margarine-ally so.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan ... (xpost /r/vegetarian)

Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:

Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.

I couldn't have done it without your support !!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStupidVegNoob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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Just heard this gem from my dad talking about my aunts new cat.

Dad: I see you guys got a new cat.

Cousin: yeah her name is allie.

Dad: is her last name cat?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MusicMan69854
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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When people asked if he liked to cook, Louisianna chef Justin Wilson replied:

"Oh, cajunally"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riffdex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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I dadjoked my 8 year old step daughter yesterday.

With most 8 year olds, they forget to do normal things due to their attention span.

Yesterday was no exception.

After she took a shower I went into the bathroom and noticed she left her towel on the floor and also noticed, to my own disgust, that she forgot to flush the toilet which still had a fresh "brownie" inside.

I went over to her and this conversation went down.

Me: "Hey dear, can you go to the bathroom and pick up your towel and flush the toilet, please?"

Her: "Oh yea! Sorry, I totally forgot!"

Me: "You mean you TURD-ally forgot!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mchootin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Asparagus

A vegetable walks into a bowling ally and asks "What is it called if I knock half the puns down on my first roll, then knock the rest down on my second roll?" The man behind the counter looks up, shrugs, and says "A spare I guess" (Asparagus)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krozard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2012
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Dad at Pride Parade

My dad(who is a big LGBT ally) sees a float at pride parade with musicians playing the bagpipe. He leans over to me and says "I guess we should call them fagpipes now."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steinbeckian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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Sitting around the parents' dinner table discussing ISIS ...

... and we came around to how dangerous it is for the U.S. to arm rebels, like Reagan did with Osama bin Laden. Then I pointed out how impressively organized the Peshmerga of Kurdistan are, and how good allies they seem to be. At this, my dad started beaming, and pulled out this groaner:

"As I've always said to your mother, when it comes to the Middle East, the Kurds are the way."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Broanna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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How did Hitler feel when the Allies attacked his bunker?

He was Fuhrerious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSebtacular
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Russian, British, and French soldiers fought together in world war 1. Their whole life was ally.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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