Acts 2 Puns

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of their times.

This morning, as I was getting dressed, my 2 year old son said to me, "I'm hungry."

I went for the easy joke, "Hi hungry, I'm dad."

Without missing a beat, he replied: "hi dad, I'm hungry."

This was an act of wonton destruction.

Ever since he got that phone, he acts like he doesn't need ne anymore.

I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.

You act like a nut

... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"

Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.

Him : Is that why you ovary act

...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"

(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.

Nolan says he will direct.

DiCaprio says he will act.

And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

Are ovary acting to the situation.

Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

It's a silly act.

Husband: is that why you ovary act?

Is it still considered an act of God?

He committed scentless acts of violence!

His act is a-maize-ing

It really pops

You gotta act like a nut

But I'm cleaning up my act

He’s acting like a real Mitch.

It’s a balancing act

My fish first pop out to say hello, but then quickly retreat to cover. Then they'll tease like they're coming out again, but then they'll shy away.

What makes them act so coy!?

they deemed it an act of Violets.

They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.

...it was the only class where I didn't get in trouble for acting up

He acted nutty

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

They performed unspeakable acts on me...

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

He's just a product of our times

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times"

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

"Act like a nut."

Act like a nut.

Climb like a tree and act like a nut

Act like a nut