Elongate
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Ju-ly
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
Turns out she was framed
I just need to vent about it for a bit
The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"
But those are their words, not mine.
I replied, "That's what you think!"
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.
I mist it.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
From a well, actually..
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
This is the Whey.
But I would like to reassure everyone that I did not write said thread.
Joe replied “Never have I ever broken the law, I’ve always been a-Biden”
Their words, not mine.
“I’ve been framed!”
He is accused of eating both hamburgers and Hamburgers.
I told her to get out of my fort.
In the J'accuse-i.
...That's Preposterous.
July.
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.
So I packed up all of her clothes and left!
Yes, we arson
It was a bum wrap.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡but there was no concrete evidence.
I told her, "your mother-in-law is way better than mine!"
Turns out, she was framed.
But those are their words, not mine.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
Their words, not mine.
"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"
I told her to get out of my fort.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Their words, not mine.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
I told her to get out of my fort.
