Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
πŸ‘︎ 788
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idk_man_im_tired
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget so he worked it out with a pencil

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutrageousNebula
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do accountants always start drama at work?

Because they love to spread sheet!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAKKodiak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
You are a graduate of accounting and can't even tell when your SO is losing interest... smh
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabulous_888
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock?

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_mash_king
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm having trouble opening a savings account at my local bank without getting distracted

I've always had a lack of interest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inedible-hulk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the favorite mode of transportation for accountants?

Tax-is

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breachx4002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I wanted to do panic buying. So I checked my account.....

I can only do panic.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
If you eat beef, you automatically become accountable...

Because you’re now a steakholder

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cocomaybechanel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

The attackers killed the duke's son, knocking him from the battlements with a peasant's severed head fired from a trebuchet.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

From Twitter.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WWTSound
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Sheepdog: All 40 sheep are accounted for, boss. Farmer: But I only had 39?

Sheepdog: Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
So touching
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norwegian_Stick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
You know why they call it a checking account?

Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/storytime239
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
To whoever stole my microsoft account, I will find you...

You have my word.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_NotSlimShady
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What is an accountant's favourite season?

Summer

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnykelly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do all new Reddit Accounts have in common with the new MacBook Air?

Not a single fan.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘︎ 590
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are accountants scared to go outside?

Because it's accrual world out there.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muito_ricardo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Easiest way to flush them out
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toasty_MarshAG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought getting a bank account would be boring

but I've slowly gained interest

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
His account is full of these @scottdropandroll v.redd.it/stz3s13lksh51
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwwafwl6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down

No followers.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire

It’s a balancing act

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When Biden pressed Trump about his Chinese bank account, Trump admitted...

I lost Yuan

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Joke

What do you call two monkeys that share and Amazon account?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malfoy1743
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said β€œAre you kidding me?”

He said β€œNo, I’m adulting you.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendaryBroku
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Accountant: what is your gross income?

My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
burned
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bitchyswiftie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Random_420-69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who doesn't have an account?

An accountant (account'nt)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepredictableone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today

My accountant said it would be a sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B3A5TxM0DE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UniBiPoly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If I have the ability to count

Does that mean I have accountability?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes

I call it my hedge fund

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippyDingleCha1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the favorite mode of transportation for accountants?

Tax-is.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brianl2px2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They just couldn’t budget

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willow-wolliW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime-mates!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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