My dog ate an entire box of crayons by himself and got a horrible stomach ache.

It was pretty shitty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Commment
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Why did the cowβ€˜s stomach ached?

Because there was no more rumen it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FernandoLH95
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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I had a tooth ache.

I also hate the dentist. Weeks went by and each day the pain was worse. My wife was also complaining how bad the smell of my farts were becoming. When I finally went to the dentist she informed me I had an abscessed tooth. Then it all made sense. Abscess makes the fart grow stronger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbiiggdd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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What do spiders take when they get stomach aches?

Webto-Bismol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mqge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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cake ache
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryancg22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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My jaw is aching
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketshoe21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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TELL ME WHY? AINT NOTHIN BUT A HEART ACHE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuanGaff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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I recently made a fluffy, delicious European breakfast entree, but when I finished eating it I had a stomach ache.

It was a Belchin Waffle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawall12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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A mustache must ache.
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobo311
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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I woke up this morning with another freakin’ back ache.

I thought to myself, β€œknot again!”

Explanation (since I guess I’m supposed to):

The knot in my muscle was the cause of my back pain. Knot/Not.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lapret
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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what do you get if you eat a bomb?

atomic ache

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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A man moaned about his aching leg, whilst training for the marathon.

β€œDon’t worry about it” his friend said, β€œit’ll be worth it in the long run”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luko_the_meme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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A guy I know injured his thumb and his fingers started aching in sympathy the next day.

They were brothers in arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImpossiblePudding
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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What kind of medicine did the tree take for its aches and pains?

Aleaf

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncool_iowan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What do you call an aching tooth?

Toof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tipsylibra
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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How did the dagger feel after exercising for the first time in a long while?

He was a little sword

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smellybaby
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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My ear was aching so i went to see a doctor,she asked me β€œWhat ear is it?”

β€˜2018’ i replied calmly

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Why do you get a stomach ache if you swallow toothpaste?

It isnt mint to be swallowed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Dad hit me with this one after I complained about a shoulder ache.

He tossed me a little bottle of pills and said "take these, they're homeopathic pills for muscle pain. "

I told him, "Dad, I don't do homeopathic stuff."

Dad:"Well once you take these and feel better you can take a girl on a date."

Me:"What does that even mean?"

Dad:"That's called romeo-pathy"

Dear God this joke made the pain worse.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILIKEFUUD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Such pain

Having stomach ache is a shitty feeling

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZacchaeusA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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I had a stomach ache

Me: Do you have any antacids? Dad: No, but I have some uncle-acids!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blewis222
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Call in sick

Bill Johnson called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I cannot come work today, I am really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my leg hurts, I cannot come work."

The boss says: "Bill I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Bill calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. By the way you got nice house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Know what's twice as bad as a toothache?

A fourth ache!

Told my daughter this one earlier.

"REALLY DAD?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I once got severe pain in my head from inhaling too much of steam.

It was a big mist-ache

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Waking up with a tooth ache and a hangover..

Tell my roommate my face hurts because I probably fell off my bed at night. He responds, " did you fall off at tooth-thirty?!?"...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ama457
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Why do you never get changed in front of a PokΓ©mon?

Because it might peek-ach-you

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chloe-jones-smith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Knock knock

Who's there?

Ach

Ach who?

Bless you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swesley86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do dinosaurs hate long car rides?

Because it gives them a Brach-ache-and-a-saurass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CobaltD70
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year ...

Or they might get autumn'y ache.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Knock knock

Dad: "Knock knock"

Son:"Whos there?"

Dad snickering softly: ach-

Son visibly confused: ach-who?

(Dad continues to start laughing while his son roles his eyes )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killerspider19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I walk a lot and I've developed plantar fasciitis in my right heel

This condition is caused by inflammation of the plantar fascia along the bottom of your foot, and it can cause pretty intense heel pain.

After I got home from work last night I tried to soak my foot in some hot water. My wife saw me and said, "That isn't going to work..."

I said, "Hey! I am allowed to have my ache and heat it, too!"

She just stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and walked out of the room...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurkMcGill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Math Conversions

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Credit to my economics professor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kleco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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A man went into a doctors office to ask about his sore stomach

The doctor said β€œquit your belly aching”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeHamster69
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a little iced muffin that causes chronic pain?

A cupc-ache

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckDonuts12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this one on my family today

My dad went to the dentist after having an incredible tooth ache for the past two days. He told us that the pain in his mouth was just slightly greater than having children. My mom and sister began to describe how unimaginably painful giving birth to a child is. Dad looked at my sister, grinned, and responded that their points were irrelevant, since the pain was still greater than having children

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djnelly
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
🚨︎ report
First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ummagumma26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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My dad loves this joke.

Knock knock Who's there Ach Ach who Oh I didn't know you had a cold

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howlingmuffin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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Got my husband this morning!

My husband and I have been working out more lately and we woke up today complaining about our aches and pains.

Me: What's sore for you?

Him: My abs, my back, my arms.

Me: Ahh. For me, it's my dino.

Him: (strange look)

Me: My dino-sore!

He laughed and then yelled at me that it was too early for awful dad jokes.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
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A russian, a brit, and a mexican enter a one-liner pickup contest to win over the heart of a super hot covergirl...

...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.

The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.

The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.

The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xandros91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Dropped a dad joke after being spiked with laxatives.

I spent a busy week working and was aching all over. During that week, a friend of mine had managed to slip some laxatives into my diet. After a few days of rest, another friend asked how I was feeling. I replied, "I'm not aching as much now, just my arse really. I've had a lot of crap to deal with". This friend knew of the laxatives and groaned audibly.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GavinRidley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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Terry Pratchett gets it.

From the Wee Free Men, page 5:

"But sometimes her father insisted that there had been Achings (or Akins, or Archens, or Akens, or Akenns - spelling had been optional) mentioned in old documents about the area for hundreds and hundreds of years. They had these hills in their bones, he said, and they'd always been shepherds. Tiffany felt quite proud of this, in an odd way, because it might also be nice to be proud of the fact that your ancestors moved around a bit, too, or occasionally tried new things. But you've got to be proud of something. And for as long as she could remember she'd heard her father, an otherwise quiet, slow man, make the Joke, the one that must have been handed down from Aching to Aching for hundreds of years. He'd say, 'Another day of work and I'm still Aching', or 'I get up Aching and I go to bed Aching', or even 'I'm Aching all over'. They weren't particularly funny after about the third time, but she'd miss it if he didn't say at least one of them every week. They didn't have to be funny, they were father jokes. Anyway, however they were spelled, all her ancestors had been Aching to stay, not Aching to leave."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morbanth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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My co-worker got me today

I played rugby at the weekend and my left leg and arm were still aching. I turned to him and said: > my left side is still hurting today

> don't worry, you're all-right

I couldn't speak, he just laughed, stood up, and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slamalamafistvag
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Ho Chow calls into work

Ho Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." His boss says, You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better and I go to work. Try it." Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and feel great, I be at work soon. You have a nice house too"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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