Whst is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat ?

Chicago.

πŸ‘︎ 183
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My 7 year old son is remote learning and I walked into the room to find him logged into his class with his back facing the computer screen. I asked, β€œwhat are you doing?”

He said, β€œI’m back to school!”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
7, 8, and 9 are the only members of their gang. 7 is the fighter, small but tough; 9 is the conman, big but nice; and 8...

is between 7 and 9, average and mean.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you build a snowman with 3 arms, 7 legs, 4 heads, and is 9 feet tall?

With snow

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
This is one my 7 year old son said to me... I had a closed fist up to my face with my little finger extended and picking food out of my teeth. My thumb was also extended out. He looked at me and with a smirk on his face said to me...

Who's on the phone dad?

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pearly351
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter is 7 and thinks my lame jokes are funny, but I finally made her cringe today.

She was getting ready for a birthday party and comes running in:

Her: "Dad I can't find any socks to wear, and my favorite pair has a hole in it."

Me: "Well don't throw them away you can wear them to church on Sunday."

Her: "Huh, why?"

Me: "Because they're hole-y."

Her: "Uuuuhhh, daaaad."

I feel proud.

πŸ‘︎ 383
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/You-Can-Trust-Me
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
🚨︎ report
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewzerman
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.

You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"

They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MCKANNON
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 953
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Well we just found out that my grandpa is addicted to Viagra

And man my grandma sure is taking it hard.

πŸ‘︎ 242
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GRAY_WOLF_DONG
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks out in the purring rain...

And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thebenmix11
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Prom Night

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 413
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.

"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."

But another person said,

"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"

The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 225
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A dung beetle walks into a bar

And says is this stool taken?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, my son asked, β€œCan I have a bookmark?”

I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Redhead Jack

You remember the story of Jack and the Beanstock? Imagine if Jack had red hair.

Hints:

Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.

This one is a bit dark.

Ok, too subtle perhaps:

>!Outside of the U.S., red heads are generally called "gingers". Thus, redhead Jack is a ginger, and if the giant makes his bread from Jack's bones, he has made bread out of a ginger, which makes it...!<

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordRybec
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
And she calls it "This Land"

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 372
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hardcoredad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 332
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said

"Wire you insulate"

And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"

This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.

(We're not grading for quality here, right?)

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthofoldage
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Philosopun

Descartes and Shakespeare were having a debate on how best to write. Descartes argued up and down that prose was the only way to really get your ideas across and that artistic license just muddied everything up. Shakespeare argued poetry and turns of phrase made the material more relatable and thus easier to get across. Descartes countered, "But how do you know what the best form is?" Shakespeare thought about it and replied, "I think, therefore iamb."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corneashell
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LynnOrtiz85
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Bridesmaid Proposal Puns for a Doctor and a Lawyer?

I am asking two of my girlfriends to be my bridesmaids and wanted to word the question in a punny way related to their careers- one is a first-year medical resident and the other is a law student. I would like to flatter them/make it funny. Any and all ideas are appreciated!! If there is a better sub to ask this question please let me know:))

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rose1229
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.

"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"

>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwrdgirl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes

Q: how do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
A: first open the door next put the giraffe in

Q: how do you put an elephant in the fridge?
A: open the fridge take the giraffe out and put the elephant in there instead

Q: the king lion called a meeting with all the animals in the kingdom, one animal didn't come who was it?
A: it was the elephant because he was still in the fridge

Q: You need to cross a crocodile infested river but there is no bridge how do you get across?
A: you swim across the crocodiles are still at the meeting

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Opninjagamer
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know...

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than casinos? Not surprisingly, many Sunday worshippers will give casino chips instead of cash when the offering plate is passed around. Since the churches get chips from so many different casinos, they have devised a way to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Friends dad told me this one

Theres this Jewish man who has a son who leaves home and decides to convert to Christianity. He confides in his friend who goes β€œdude you’re not gonna believe this, my son did the same thing he left home, came back and was all of a sudden Christian.” They decided this problem was getting out of hand so they go see their Rabbi and ask him what to do. The Rabbi goes β€œyou’re not gonna believe this my son also left home and converted to Christianity. This is getting out of hand we have to talk to God”. So they go to God and tell him their stories about how Christianity is running rampant through their community and ask for his guidance. God says β€œGuys you’re not gonna believe this.”

πŸ‘︎ 155
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zzolpidem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My bedroom window is East facing so I bought black out curtains to keep the sunlight out.

The difference is like night and day.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My Son came up to me this morning and said "Don't be sad".

Cuz "sad" backwards is "das". And das no good.

So proud

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/idiotninja
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elChardo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster that just got a boob job?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

Because 10+10 is 20 and 11+11 is 20 too

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/torrenter_11
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vergrootlars0
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks out in the purring rain...

And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thebenmix11
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KimKeeling43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.