365 Puns

It was a Year of Living Mangerously.

One is a Goodyear. The other is a very good year

1.    Why do prisoners hate computers?
   

The escape key never works.

2.   How do trees get on the internet? 
   

They log in.

3.  Knock knock.
   

Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game

4. How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.

5. Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.

6. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

7. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

8. Can February March? No but April may.

9. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.

[Insert minion meme]

and there is already decoration everywhere

Ok guys my 1 year anniversary is coming up with my boyfriend and I'm making a pun book with 365 Puns about love and I'm running out can you help me PLEASE

But I guess it is better than being in Office 365

Google Assistant with the dad joke:

https://i.imgur.com/EUQ7TTF.jpg

And people already have their decorations up!

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a “POLITICIAN”

I was talking about school with my kids at the dinner table. My son is learning about astronomy in science class.

Me: "Have you learned what a light year is?"

Son: "Yes, it's the distance light travels in 1 year."

Me: "Nope. It's 365 consecutive days when you don't have a lot going on."

My wife threatened divorce, so I know it was a good one.

So my boss and I were talking about how everyone has runny noses right now. He says "Mines running 365 days a year." "Maybe it's time for you to catch it, then."

New Year's Day... The start of a fresh 365 sunrises that symbolize a turning point in lifestyle and spending the entire day recovering from a dreadful hangover. Like many other people in America, this relatively fake holiday is a time that I spend with my family. One of my family's many traditions (alongside annihilating plates of buffalo wings and watching college football until we pass out on the couch) is watching the Rose Parade. At the very beginning of the event, before all of the flower-covered floats and high school bands came marching down the street, there was an introductory ceremony complete with a B-2 stealth bomber flyover. As soon as they passed by, zooming out of the camera's frame, my dad leans in closer to me and says "Well I sure didn't see that coming!"

I was working with my uncle and he says, "Do you know what you can do with 365 condoms?" "Have a lot of sex?" "No, melt it down into a tire and call it a good year."

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

A Goodyear tire

Well there are 365 in a good year.

There is still 365 days until Christmas