Did you hear about the Dad who spent a full 365 days assembling crèches for Churches ?

It was a Year of Living Mangerously.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eschauzier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear. The other is a very good year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gauisg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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When I've been on Reddit for 365 days and nothing happens
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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I have a whole book of 365 jokes, one for each day of the year. Here are some of the ones I dont cringe at:
  1.    Why do prisoners hate computers?
    

The escape key never works.

  1.   How do trees get on the internet? 
    

They log in.

  1.  Knock knock.
    

Who's there? Toucan. Toucan who? Toucan play at that game

  1. How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs.

  2. Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot? All the fans had left.

  3. Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.

  4. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

  5. Can February March? No but April may.

  6. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

10.why are recycling bins so optimistic? Cuz they're full of cans.

[Insert minion meme]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YepBackAtIt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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How annoying, 365 days until Christmas

and there is already decoration everywhere

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nilslorand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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HELP PUN

Ok guys my 1 year anniversary is coming up with my boyfriend and I'm making a pun book with 365 Puns about love and I'm running out can you help me PLEASE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfgirl71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Take my Word
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zarhouni
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Working from home isn’t always great,

But I guess it is better than being in Office 365

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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How many seconds are there in a year?

Google Assistant with the dad joke:

https://i.imgur.com/EUQ7TTF.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jasonrj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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364 days until Christmas and people ALREADY have their decorations up. /r/oneliners/comments/eg1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiedmaier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Damn, there's still 364 days until Christmas...

And people already have their decorations up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VGK9Logan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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I'm pretty proud of this one...

I was talking about school with my kids at the dinner table. My son is learning about astronomy in science class.

Me: "Have you learned what a light year is?"

Son: "Yes, it's the distance light travels in 1 year."

Me: "Nope. It's 365 consecutive days when you don't have a lot going on."

My wife threatened divorce, so I know it was a good one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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Running Noses

So my boss and I were talking about how everyone has runny noses right now. He says "Mines running 365 days a year." "Maybe it's time for you to catch it, then."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minakali
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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Punrelenting word play at the Rose Parade

New Year's Day... The start of a fresh 365 sunrises that symbolize a turning point in lifestyle and spending the entire day recovering from a dreadful hangover. Like many other people in America, this relatively fake holiday is a time that I spend with my family. One of my family's many traditions (alongside annihilating plates of buffalo wings and watching college football until we pass out on the couch) is watching the Rose Parade. At the very beginning of the event, before all of the flower-covered floats and high school bands came marching down the street, there was an introductory ceremony complete with a B-2 stealth bomber flyover. As soon as they passed by, zooming out of the camera's frame, my dad leans in closer to me and says "Well I sure didn't see that coming!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Goodyear

I was working with my uncle and he says, "Do you know what you can do with 365 condoms?" "Have a lot of sex?" "No, melt it down into a tire and call it a good year."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas0324
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms ?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n4snl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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What can you make out of 365 used condoms.

A Goodyear tire

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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How many condoms can you make from a tire?

Well there are 365 in a good year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VestigialHead
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Can you believe that people have their Christmas lights up already?

There is still 365 days until Christmas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beroc85
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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