I asked for the pizza to be delivered wearing glasses

Contact-less

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlGeee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
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Why did the cell phone need glasses?

It lost it's contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2021
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To whoever stole my glasses:

I will find you, I have contacts!!

πŸ‘︎ 290
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Memersingg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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A Patrolman pulled me over and asked for my license.

As he's looking it over he tells me, "Hey, it says here you need glasses to drive. I'll have to ticket you."

"But I've got contacts."

"Not impressed buddy. I don't care who you know."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
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Labor organizers came to Santa's workshop one day, and discovered the working conditions were terrible.

So the organizers contacted the elves and started communicating their rights to them.

At first, union outreach seemed to be going well. But then the process ran aground.

The elves delivering the presents had some contact with the outside world, so they understood they were getting a bad deal and wanted to go on strike.

And even the factory elves were sympathetic, because they'd seen their coworkers be punished for getting injured.

But, as one organizer mourned,

"It's the little folks slaving away in the back of the warehouse who don't understand. They're loyal to the big man, because he keeps them so isolated."

All in all, it was a bad case of stock gnome syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2021
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There was once a horse living on a farm....

And he was a very talented guitarist, so good in fact that one day his friend the chicken turned to him and asked would he like to be in a band with him. The horse of course agreed he and the chicken who played the drums went looking for a singer and a bassist. They decided to approach the Sheep who was the best singer on the farm, the Sheep agreed and told them about how the Pig was a pretty good bass player so they all asked him to join the band and he agreed.

So The Barnyard Animals got to work practicing and rehearsing their little hearts out. They started playing open mic nights and gained some traction. After a few years they managed to get signed by a major record label and The Barnyard Animals became an international phenomenon. They toured in every country for the better part of a decade until they finally decided retire. The Horse decided to settle down in English countryside, the Chicken went to Australia, the Pig went to Japan and the Sheep went to New Zealand.

A few years later Gary Barlow contacts the Horse about getting The Barnyard Animals back together for a big charity Live Aid type concert in Wembley. The Horse contacts his band mates and they all agree. So the Pig, the Sheep and the Chicken all fly out to Singapore and get the same connection to London. But in a terrible turn of events the plane crashes and all The Barnyard Animals apart from the horse die in a fiery inferno.

The horse upon finding out that his oldest friends have all died goes into a deep depression. He locks himself in his house and tries to drink his pain away. A few weeks later when every bottle of anything that could be drank had been drunk. He puts on his hat and sunglasses so no one would be able to recognise him and heads to the closest pub. So the Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey, why the long face?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2021
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Why shouldn’t you wear glasses when playing football?

Because it's a contact sport.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2021
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Did you hear about the lady who wore glasses to deliver pizza?

She was told it was a no-contact delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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I feel really good when I read through the peoples names and phone numbers stored in my phone...

I love a good Contact high.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the delivery driver forced to wear glasses?

Because everyone wanted contact-less delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Yoit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?

They contacted his next of Ken.

That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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How did the boy whose glasses were stolen find them?

He had his contacts

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Were you forced to walk 500 miles then walk 500 more?

You could be due compensation. Contact the Pro-Claimers now!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I hate being average sized

My shirts always try to contact ghosts

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoadhouseRocco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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My wife and 2yo were just watching Paw Patrol. There is a cow mooing into a cell phone to video chat with the team to ask for help for a cat stuck on the roof.

I told my wife "That cat would have way more grip on roof shingles and I expect more I realism from talking cartoon cows. This is "UDDERLY" ridiculous."

She may have buried her head and avoided eye contact for a bit. I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trich101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I've made a ouija board using alphabeti spaghetti.

It's great for contacting people who've pasta way.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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I have a contact lens problem.

I have no contact lens solution.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_hubby
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a pun for the names Ellion and sylis!

All my friends contact names are puns and I need some for my new friends!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noaimnobrain118
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 439
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fokker09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
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To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have contacts

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?

Cause he lost his contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marketellica
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2021
🚨︎ report
To the thief who stole my glasses…

I will find you. I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mosheg99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 999
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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To the person who stole my spectacles. I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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To whoever stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuietFalls
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garyunmarried
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
To the individual who stole my glasses...

I will find you. I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the cell phone have to wear glasses?

Because it lost its contacts

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have my contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jtfiction
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the iPhone see?

It lost it's contacts

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe_Noctum42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My SO looks to much better with glasses

Or with contacts actually; it's like he can't see without them or something.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deckthehalls33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a contact lens problem.

I have no contact lens solution.

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
How come cell phones don’t wear glasses?

Because they have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't they let you wear glasses in football?

Because it's a contact sport.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Astrotech314
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report

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