There's more geese on that side.
Instead of calling it the "zombie apocalypse", why not just call it the Necro-nom-athon?
It turned into a field
I managed to dodge this, there and then but I didn't see that coming!
So I work at a company that manufactures steel bolts, nuts, washers, anchor/bent bolts, rebar, chains etc. and I'm trying to come up with a t-shirt design for the holiday season. I have the visuals that I want down (a snowflake made out of nuts) but because it's going to be a more fun design ths I've been trying to think of a little pun that I could put across the back, and I'm coming up short.
If it helps we do a lot of forging, pointing, threading, cutting and shipping. We work with steel (and hardened steel) 90% of the time. My workplace is pretty casual so don't feel the need to keep it PG.
This puns are so well polished, the put the take out the ai in spain, move the s to the back and add a u atter the p.
Context: every day, after dinner my wife or I move something from the freezer to the fridge to thaw for the next days dinner. On this particular day, I go into the kitchen to look in the fridge but can't find anything already moved over. So I call out to my wife in the other room...
Me: Hey love, did you move anything to the fridge for dinner tomorrow?
Wife: No, I didn't thaw anything.
Me: I didn't thee anything either that'th why I'm athking!
She wouldn't talk to me for the next 10 minutes (which, coincidentally, is about how long it took me to stop laughing)
Lately I've been hearing people call Miley Cyrus out as queen of rock. One could argue many of th classics, but let's face it there is only one queen of Rock...
Freddy Mercury
A man wakes up feeling confused, disorientated and groggy. As his eyes begin to focus he realises that he is in a hospital bed and there is a man leaning over him looking concerned. “Oh good, you’re awake, it was touch and go for a while there. Pleased to see you back with us. Do you mind if I ask you some questions, just some routine stuff? Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?” The guy nods and focuses on the doctor, takes a deep breath. “Err, th- er, thirteen??!?” “Correct, you’ve been in a terrible accident, three of these are yours.”
On December twelfth.
Man: I th..
Officer: Yes?
Man: The reas..
Officer: Go on.
Man: May I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
“OK,” I said, “buth I don’th know how thith will helpth”
This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,
"What do you guys want for breakfast."
My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."
This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.
With an I-th-berg.
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Family was watching a show about the Armageddon and I asked why they chose to watch the Armageddon and not th LEGageddon. Grampa says to turn the Armageddon program Armagedoff
Is the flight on the 17th or on th 18th? He said, its on a plane
That guy said no apologies, so im not sorry
Its my first one
thmumbles escalated quickly.
A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.
"I guess that's fare."
The ThRed Cross.
Father's Day shirt I made for my dad who likes to spend some quality time snoozing on the couch. Thought some of you may appreciate it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D39JNZ7?customId=B07537H64L&th=1
Receptionist: We don't have anything until October 6^th , but if he wants to go to our other office at [pretty far away], he can come in this Wednesday.
Me: Yeah, better do that. The TV's getting pretty loud.
Receptionist: Oh I hear ya
Me: Well he can't
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
"Do kangaroos use kangaroo-th paste to brush their teeth?"
I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.
Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"
Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"
I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:
Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"
Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"
Me: You know, pirates didn't wear eyepatches because they only had one eye.
Dad: Oh? So why did they wear eyepatches then?
Me: To keep one eye in th-
Dad: Oh, that story? I thought that was a cover-up.
Ahh dad <3
Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.
Me: "dad, what are you doing?"
Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"
Me: "uh, I don't know..."
Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"
My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.
