One of my friends played guitar while drunk…
Then he got in a Fender bender.
Why are guitars always so sad?
Because they’re always getting picked on
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
My parents found this while camping... someone has a good sense of humour
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
I failed miserably trying to make the nurse laugh while getting my first dose of the vaccine.
She told me to come back in a month for another shot.
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
My friend was worried about hitting all the bars on his guitar neck at his recital...
After an argument, my cooking instructor wants me to stew goose feathers gently below or just at the boiling point...
She wants me to simmer down!
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."
My son proposed to his girlfriend while they were at the gym and she said no...
I guess they didn't work out!
I told my wife I'm leaving her while she was giving birth to our child. She asked if I was kidding
I got into a fight with my Mexican neighbor and he started to make train noises while holding a gun
He said "I'm going to choo choo"
While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
Just got lowballed. $5 for my guitar. Best way to respond?
Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.
“You cantaloupe! Your too young”
While shopping my wife stopped in the make-up section to buy concealer but couldn’t find any.
I now understand why she said it’s the best product on the market.
I think my wife is becoming a dad. While I was on the porcelain throne, she asked me me what I was doing. I replied: scrolling through Reddit.
She added giggling: you will take ages to log off.
A horse broke into my room while I was asleep.
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
While I was driving, my wife said, “You have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
My wife told me she had to pee while I was mid stream.
I told her to join the club.
It's called Urine-Nation.
Wife: "I accidentally fell asleep while grading my student's projects."
Me: "I guess everyone's getting Z's"
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
While I was gardening a potato was watching me and criticizing my every move. He thought he was big stuff.
But I think he was just a commontater
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to “square up on the ball”
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...
She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.
A joke my dad told me a while ago
So I bought my mom a parrot as a gift. A week later I ask her how the parrot was. She said “It was delicious!” I said to her “What?! Why would you eat it? It’s a talking parrot!” My mom replies “Well it should have said something then.”
I just broke my guitar...
My fiancée pulled a fast one on me last night while we were talking
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldn’t know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and we’re too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
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