We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
I think we made a mistake when we started calling childbirth “delivery”.
It should have been called takeout instead.
We shouldn’t be making jokes about COVID 19
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
We're going to buy some glasses
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
We've fought against 2020 all year
But in the end I guess 2021
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
We've all heard of Murphy's Law...
But have you heard of Cole's Law?
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Well.. We made another trip around the sun.
But it's the earth's rotation that really makes my day.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.
But then, hindsight is 2020.
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig.
Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
We CANNOT let this year end.
Cos then we will be admitting 2021.
But then again, we can't just skip 2021. Cos the next year is 2022.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
We can’t celebrate New Years because then...
My deaf girlfriend just told me “We need to talk.”
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
We draw puns for each other daily.
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
GF- “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
BF- “ Our relationship is what? Over.”
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
We need help naming some murderous cats.
We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.
We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.
We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.
So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.
We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type
As he died he kept on insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
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