We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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We all know it
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The barman says, β€œSorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”

A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snrckrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I think we made a mistake when we started calling childbirth β€œdelivery”.

It should have been called takeout instead.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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We shouldn’t be making jokes about COVID 19

They’re tasteless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deedubya8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
We're going to buy some glasses
πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theManlyMan8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCarrie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch β€œGaslight”

I told her β€œwe already watched that together, don’t you remember?”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
We've fought against 2020 all year

But in the end I guess 2021

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugaphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do we tell actors to β€œbreak a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kattykat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
We've all heard of Murphy's Law...

But have you heard of Cole's Law?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FLASHsixx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"

I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Well.. We made another trip around the sun.

But it's the earth's rotation that really makes my day.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jagee23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.

After that, our teacher became ruthless

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Steph_Curryan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
We really should have expected last year's pandemic.

But then, hindsight is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I dig, you dig, we dig, they dig.

Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

πŸ‘︎ 811
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
We CANNOT let this year end.

Cos then we will be admitting 2021.

But then again, we can't just skip 2021. Cos the next year is 2022.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamishjoy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Alternative Title: We're hair to talk reddit.com/user/redditads…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confused_Blue_Jay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So hair we are
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ha-Ka-Tu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
We can’t celebrate New Years because then...

2021

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thr0wAway4M3sh3ll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do we call it boner?

Isn't its muscular.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdramanuj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, β€œHoney?”

She gasped audibly and said, β€œYeah?”

I said, β€œHelp! My knee is made of magnets!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.

I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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We draw puns for each other daily.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllisonRTyler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week

I think they called it Allah carte

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgerdemaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
GF- β€œWhy do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

BF- β€œ Our relationship is what? Over.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/syniss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?

Man....we were wild .

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Are we playing peekaboo in a hospital?

Because ICU!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BilhoeBaggins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
πŸ‘︎ 624
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olivercloseoff80
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.

I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwarvenfriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he died he kept on insisting for us to β€œbe positive”, but it’s hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubbyK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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