Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.
I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
The worst pub Iβve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
π︎ 619
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
Pokemon cards? Yeah i've got a small collection.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
Iβve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody will give me a straight answer.
π︎ 298
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 209
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Iβve decided to make an elite army of babies
Iβll call them The Infantry
π︎ 130
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Iβve never tried 5 guys.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Must've taken a good year
π︎ 51
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
Iβve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
π︎ 13k
π
︎ May 10 2020
"I've got ants" "Oh yeah, well I've got taller ants"
"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"
"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"
"I've got... Bread"
"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"
π︎ 87
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
I've never understood spheres
π︎ 108
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Iβve been saying βmuchoβ to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 26 2020
You've heard of Wooly Willy, now get ready for...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
Iβve started turning puns into homemade action figures.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
This pretty much sums of every applicant weβve seen at the shop....Nah, hostess
π︎ 40
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Iβm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyβve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canβt-elope
π︎ 148
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.
So Kim runs an undergarment and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
Iβve decided to give up drinking and replace booze with mashed potato...
I guess you could say Iβll just be getting sMASHED from now on.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I've been trying to come up with a clever name for an amputee support group.
π︎ 244
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
Weβve come to a fork in the road... donβt know where to go from here..
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
I've been told I'm condescending.
(That means I talk down to people.)
π︎ 65
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Iβve got a lot of fans, you know.
The ACβs been broken for years.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
My wife says I've been listening to a lot of 80s rock recently
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
Iβve got racing geese for sale
Let me know if you want to take a quick gander
π︎ 121
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
First time Iβve seen a real bobcat in the wild.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
I used to own a Subaru. I never shouldβve gotten rid of it.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
I should've known my wife was a communist.
There were red flags everywhere.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I've always dreamed of an ocean filled entirely with orange soda.
π︎ 254
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...
And I can't seem to find country music.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Iβve got a joke about helium.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
I've lost 20% of my sight
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 15 2020
ππ weβve hit a new low
π︎ 35
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 19 2020
That must've stung
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
I've decided to learn sign language.
It's a handy way to communicate.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Yeah, youβve heard of bad dad jokes.
But be glad you havenβt heard of grandpuns.
First time, donβt bully me
π︎ 104
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver I've ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?"
I said, "Honestly sir, I don't know. It's hard for me to keep track."
π︎ 172
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
What does a pirate take when they've got doldrums in the bedroom?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I've just got a job making plastic Draculas
But there are only two of us on the production line.
So I have to make every second Count!
π︎ 425
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Iβve been quarantined for making dad jokes...
Iβve been spreading gβroaner virus.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I've noticed I have been saying "mucho" more when speaking with my Hispanic friends...
π︎ 38
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
I've got an Indian roommate
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 26 2020
Since quarantine started, Iβve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.
Iβm pretty sure thatβs not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
Iβve got two dobermans, one named Rolex, other - Timex
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
My doctor said I've contracted something
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 29 2020
Iβve said it before, and Iβll say it again...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
My wife tells me Iβve spent too much money on mirrors.
I guess itβs time for some self-reflection.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Iβve been reading this book on Anti-Gravity.
So far it has been impossible to put down.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude...
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
I'm not sure if my ceiling is the best i've ever had
but it's certainly up there.
π︎ 396
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
I've been dating a ghost lately.
But im never seeing her again. Im done with her sheet. I thought she was gonna scream MY name during sex at least once
But my name is not Boo.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
Iβve been learning to barbecue and grill meats. Last night was the first time I tried to smoke a turkey.
It was awfully hard to get it into the pipe.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Iβve decided to put an end to color-based segregation in my household...
...however my wife disagrees, and is no longer letting me use the washing machine.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
Hey guys, my nameβs Chad. Iβve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says βWow, Iβve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?β
βPop.β Goes the weasel.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
Iβve been researching exercise bikes for over a month and just canβt pick one.
It turns out this whole time Iβve been bike-curious.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
I've often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 16 2020
I went into Poundland yesterday, and they've started selling wigs
That's a small price toupee
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Ever since my son told me he wanted a sex change theyβve stopped acknowledging me
I guess now Iβm transparent
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Iβve just been charged for killing a man using sandpaper
In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
Iβve heard southern comfort is nice,
Because normal comfort just tastes like fabric softener!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
I've just started a business where I weigh tiny objects.
It's a small scale operation
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
I've spent much more time reading...
Due to the novel coronavirus
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I feel like I've regressed to an earlier age because of all the social distancing.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
Iβve been getting into selling socks recently
You know, the ones on Wool Street
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
Once you've seen one shopping center...
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
π︎ 69
π
︎ Jul 14 2020
Iβve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and Iβm getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, βWhere do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says βHomeβ and then it makes me start all over again.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
Iβve got a dead budgie for sale.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
Iβve never trusted stairs
Theyβre always up to something
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Youβve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
You've Been SherLocked
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
Iβve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
Itβs better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
I've know alot of jokes about retired people...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I've heard they just launched the new reptilian-focused aid programme.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Iβve always been disappointed Nike and Mountain Dew never did a collab
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
I donβt care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy Iβve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it terminal
π︎ 360
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it's terminal.
π︎ 97
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
I've decided to marry a pencil
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
π︎ 62
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes
my doctor says it's terminal
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Iβve said it before, and Iβll say it again...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
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