Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?

Man....we were wild .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was REALLY good at it...

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Remember that scandal where they used horse meat in lasagna? Good thing it wasn't donkey meat

Lots of people would have eaten ass without realizing it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otto_Partzzz
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.

Now I’m just dating myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Chalk boards are no longer being used in schools, so when the last school finally took them down to install smart boards, the teachers gathered all the writing utensils from them and had a large bon fire just outside the school. It smelled so good.

They loved chalk lit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldeagle77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I used to be a good kid, until I got caught in the mudslide.

That's when everything went downhill.

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πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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So I used to know a really good dad joke but I don’t remember exactly how it went.

If only I could remember where I Reddit. (Please don’t judge too harshly this is my first dad joke and my first post on a big subreddit)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobleLionTower
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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I used to have bedsheets with images of one member of a comedy duo from the 1920's, but could never get any good sleep...

I couldn't rest on my Laurels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I used to get heartburn so often I named it Gavin. Me and Gav became good friends until I finally started taking medication.

Gaviscon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charlie_boo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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When I was a kid, I used to be really good at spelling bees.

But other words, not so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Michael used to be a pretty good noun.

Now, he is a pronoun.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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I used to think of myself as a really good swimmer.

Then I went into the ocean and got schooled by a bunch of fish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2017
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Guy used to be in the army. Real good looking guy too. Blond hair, tall, blue eyes. But now tends to sick animals, helping to diagnose and treat them so they can get better.

He's a veteran Aryan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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Used a classic from this subreddit. My dad appreciates a good dad joke.

http://i.imgur.com/mJ82bu2.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemRocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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As summer approaches, it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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a farmer drove his son into the market and dropped him off with $100. he told his son not to buy anything except for a cow. if he couldn't afford a cow, he should use the money to get a taxi home. the son sent pics to his dad all day of the ones he thought were good until his phone died.

he just got the most expensive one he could afford for $99.99. he asked to use the cow vendors phone to call his dad. the vendor replied "sure, for $5". the kid worked out a deal to send one text with one word for one cent. he sent his dad: "comfortable"

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πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Fathers of reddit what are some good softball puns that I can use?

I have a girl I want to woo and take her to prom but I need some good material that is funny and gets to the point, I know this isn’t a joke but i really wanna take her to prom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aqualogarithm8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

But don’t worry...it will be ok. πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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You can always tell how good a dad is, by how many baby wipes they use

3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet

2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob

1 wipe: master dad

0 wipes: not a very good dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian

Now I'm a sit down comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Good pickup line to use at the hairdresser's...

"...excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Good bakers use real butter so that there is no margarine for error.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsβ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineβ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungcfa
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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What does punctuation use to smell good?

Semi-cologne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrikamiPanio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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The village under the sea

Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying β€œWhen real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.

One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says β€œNo, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.

After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. β€œNo,” Ted said again β€œthis danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.

Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. β€œAgain, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said β€œDo not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilopsaros
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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Some people say I'm pretty good at using spreadsheets

Others say I Excel at using them

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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We broke our table but its still being put to good use
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaleMapes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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What discount website/app do fish use for cheaper goods?

Grouperon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComedyLover21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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What do people use to exchange goods and services in Atlantis?

Current sea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/offlebagg1ns
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2016
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A friend of mine is really good at using comparisons to explain things.

Her name is Ann Alogy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunchybedsheets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Not necessarily a dad joke, but a good retiree joke/brief story just using that wit.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thefluffydinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Need help with a good pun using cats, coffee or mugs, and saying thank you for joining us as!

Wedding party favors are cat mugs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NateTrib
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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Use a wok. I got my wife good.

My wife told me she wanted a high quality wok for Christmas. She said her aunt uses a wok all the time.

Me: I use a wok all the time, but now I prefer to drive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelotusknyte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Need help coming up with a good Halloween pun...

Group of peeps I hang out with are making good Halloween puns involving their user. I need one that can make use of either Vince, Vincevaleker, e11, or Valeker. Any ideas?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceValeker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Good one to use with grad students

My friend: "I just received my acceptance letter to this university for the Master's Program".

Her dad: "You'll have more degrees than a thermometer!"

Everyone: "Hahahaha!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alrighty_then7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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Remember that scandal where they used horse meat in lasagna? Good thing it wasn't donkey meat

Lots of people would have eaten ass without realizing it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whygru
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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