I lost my iPhone while unwrapping presents

I found it. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacktheskier13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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My dad got me while unwrapping gifts this morning

Me: *unwrapping presents"

"Aww cool, it's a 10 foot phone charger!"

Dad: "Do you even have a 10 foot phone?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scootnoodle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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I absentmindedly bought a block of cheese. As soon as I unwrapped it, it spoke, saying, "I'm depressed. Can you help with this sadness?"

Damn. I picked up bleu cheese.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.

Sorry, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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I found some unwrapped candy canes left over from last year.

They're in mint condition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal

Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.

When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.

She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"

To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
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In my family, we like to ridicule whoever gets the fewest amount of gifts at Christmas.

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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I'm going to buy my wife shoes from Kohls this year.

That way when she's about to unwrap her gift I can say, "Watch out that one has coals(Kohls)".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarleCJ253
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Birthdays & Christmas

For my son's birthday; if he gets a small square book shaped gift, before he unwraps it I always say "Oooh, I bet it's a shiny new bicycle!" every present, every time - I think it drives the wife more insane than my son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatapain1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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Got friend at Wendys

Sitting in booth, after ordering some chicken wraps.

Me: Start unwrapping the wraps and eating.

Friend: Looks up, "So how's your wrap?"

Me: "Oh its good, just not enough verses."

Friend: Proceeds to stare blankly at me for a couple of seconds, then bursts into laughter after getting it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aralakh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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Christmas joke on my brother

My brother asked for weight plates for Christmas and when he opened up the box there was only one plate instead of the set of two. He made a comment to me saying that there was only one but we just joked amongst ourselves. About halfway through our gift unwrapping, my dad brings out the second weight plate from another room and thinks it is the funniest thing ever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustafarian7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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My dad bought me a copy of "Looking For Alaska" by John Green...

As I unwrapped it he said, "I don't want to spoil the ending, but it's to the left of Canada".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paul_The_Great
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
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A ripper.

My ten month old son was becoming upset when presents were being unwrapped. I said " he must find the wrapping paper tearable."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butterwhite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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My training is complete...

My mom was opening her presents and unwrapped a brand new fitbit. As she opened it, she exclaimed, "Yes! I am going to get fit!" And without even looking at each other, my dad and I simultaneously from opposite sides of the room interject, "Bit by bit!" My wife looked at me with an expression that was the perfect cocktail of disbelief, groaning, and eye-rolling while my father walked with his head held a little higher that night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hou_mcbp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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Grandfather still has it

My dad was on the phone, talking to my grandfather about some corn he was looking at today. My dad pointed out that the corn that was packaged was much more expensive than the unwrapped corn. In fact it was 5 for dollar. When my grandfather heard this he replied "So they were a buccaneer?"

My dad just said "No wonder the kids hate my sense of humor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeman514
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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got dad joked on fathers day

Happened on fathers day and forgot to post here.
For fathers day I got my dad the Dollars trilogy (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The good, The Bad and The Ugly) remastered on bluray. So he unwrapped them and was pretty pleased, and I said to him
"oh they've been remastered so they look great!"
and he said:
"Oh yeah? I hope it was done by a good company, because if it's done by a bad company, then they can be ugly"
My dad doesn't made dad jokes too often, but I love the ones he does.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BIOHAZARDB10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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A scientist and his assistant

A scientist and his assistant are in the lab. In front of them is a tank with two fish swimming around. the scientist says to his assistant, "Go into the specimen room and get two more fish."

So the assistant grabs a cart, goes across the hall to the specimen room, puts in his access code on the number panel, pushes the cart in, picks up two fish bowls, each with a fish swimming around, and places them in the cart.

Then he pushes the cart back across the hall into the lab, checking to make sure the door to the specimen room shuts behind him, brings the cart in.

The scientist says, "Pour each fish into the tank with the other two."

So the assistant pushes the cart right next to the tank, picks up each bowl and pours them into the tank with the other fish "

The scientist says, "Now go get some electrical wire out of the storage room."

So the assistant leaves the lab, walks down the hall to the storage room, puts in his access code, grabs a coil of copper wire, marks how much he took on the inventory sign off sheet, leaves the storage room, and locks the door behind him.

So he walks back into the lab with the wire, and the scientist says, "Cut two pieces, each about four feet and place one end of each in the tank."

So the assistant unwraps about eight feet of the copper wire, cuts it in two pieces, and bends one end of each length so they hang on the edge of the tank with six inches into the water.

Then the scientist says, " Now plug each piece of copper wire into that electrical outlet and electrocute the fish "

And the assistant says, "Four watt porpoise?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redremnant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
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It was my daughter's birthday this weekend

Whenever she unwrapped up a present that was inside some sort of nondescript box "Oh wow! A box!! Just what you've always wanted"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eccentricguru
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
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