What does a tree wear on its roots?

Plantaloons

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d2p2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.

They have been initially described as coniferous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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If humans were trees, how deep would the roots be ?

Two feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Need a tree or bush pun rooted in D&D

Idk if anyone here plays dnd but i just got another awakened bush as a pet and wanted to give pun for a name the other one is elvis pressleaf any suggestion would be appreciated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamagediceDM
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Dad: I really don’t trust these trees

Son: Huh? What? Why?
Dad: They seem kinda…. shady

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Finally
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Sick doggo.
πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffeeowlthyme
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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Square root? Or cube root?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madmoola
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Did you hear about the sex tree?

Ehh, it’s not that interesting; just another fuckin’ tree.

(This one is a great-grandpa joke, so dad^3)

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Finally found the square root
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyk0th
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldenEmerald67
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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How did the tree feel in spring?

Releaved

πŸ‘︎ 868
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainkrinking
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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So... A woman got the first ever wooden breast implants yesterday

it would of been funny if this joke had a punchline wooden tit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drew442
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.

She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"

I said "why do you think that?"

She said "because they probably only bark"

She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ARazzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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What did the tree say when the stressful winter finished?

I'm re-leaved!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
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Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today πŸ˜‰πŸŽ„

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son πŸ€“

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkflycasual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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A group I am in have named ourselves team tree and in the spirit of the name we wanted to use as many tree related puns as possible, please help us!

We have the obvious ones like, let's make like a tree and leaf and our group is always branching out, but we would love as many as you can come up with!

Thanks guys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neptune121
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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Why did the tree get put in time-out?

It was being knotty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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√
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrizos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Found a place named "Math Garden"

The trees had square roots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisboishere
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the beech said.

"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The woodpecker said, "Neither."

"Neither!?"

"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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My husband still loves me...even after one of my worst ones...

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sh2nn0n
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2014
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My History professor asked us to write some jokes on the back of our history final for extra credit. After the groans from everyone I told it to, I think it belongs here.

Why was Leif Erikson not accredited with discovering the New World?

Because if he had put some roots down, he would have been Tree Erikson.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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My Dad and I got our Christmas tree today...

And on the way home, we were discussing how plants retrieve nutrients, and why pine trees can survive through the winter. I said, "I wonder if it stems from the shape of their leaves?" To which my dad responded, "Well, I suppose we just got to the root of the problem, so I bet we can just leaf it at that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LexTheImpaler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, β€œAnd you will dialogue!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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