I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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Totally agree, Larry.
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2021
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My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pattersonjeffa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What is it about all the Psychics that I ever visit.. they're either totally depressed, or too excitable.

It's really hard to find a happy Medium..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Every time my friend adds, he is deeply concerned about the numbers that make up the total...

Doctors said his condition is worry sum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2021
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My total at Dunkin donuts was $7.11

I pulled up to the window and the clerk said 7 11

I had to say : "I though this was Dunkin donuts"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jigglytep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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I was once a trusted member of a totally secret cooking society. But they kicked me out..

..for spilling the beans.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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Couldn’t understand why my dog was totally motionless.

Then I realized, it was on paws.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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The pandemic prevented people from traveling, but, luckily for all the logs with #wanderlust, COVID doesn't impact wood.
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katiebcartoons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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He totally is.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Nintendo’s strategy with this Switch revision is a total departure from the way they handled the 3DS

It’s out with the new, in with the OLED

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πŸ‘€︎ u/italian_baptist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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I made this pun and I got 23 downvotes before it was taken down by the mods. It was totally worth it lmfao
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Magic_Fetus
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore.

When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When paternity tests, lead to ratings success, that’s a Maury.

When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

But Canadians protest, underrepresented in jest, what’s one more, eh?

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”-

(Repost of mine from over a year ago. Sorry. I remembered it while stoned and it was funny again. Credit to u/weizguy74 for the Maury line.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2021
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Total eclipse

According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dissemin8or
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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The doctor who amputated my arm asked way too much money ...

it was a total rip-off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ardoewaan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
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How much does a pirate charge to pierce an ear?

About a buccaneer

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2021
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Live reporting! Proud Dad Moment Just Now. Daughter to me while vigorously moving a bottle of Dasani, "I'm making holy water!". Me: "How?"

Daughter: "I'm shaking the hell out of it"

Side note. The me, "how?" reminded me of how, mostly in Northern British English (where the aitches are frequently dropped) , you can do the joke about speaking like a cat.

Side side note. This then reminded me about the audio joke about a cat on a motorcycle.

Side side side note. This, for some totally unknown reason, then got me thinking about two nuns on bikes riding down a cobbled street.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BXCellent
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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My girlfriend once asked me if I've ever seen a meteor shower....

I told her "no way! That's a total invasion of their privacy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wet_joy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2021
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My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...

She's a countess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Did you hear about the huge drug bust?

Police found 50lbs of marijuana, 40lbs of cocaine, and 10lbs of meth, adding up to a total of 90lbs.

They did the meth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/celticdude234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
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I mean... ;)
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parth_shresth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Why can’t Watermelon and Honeydew get married?

Because they cant elope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geknight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2021
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If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...

The other 99 read balloons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodoolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...

It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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When I was a student, all of my exams were barely above β€œFailing”.

I was a totally D-testable young man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZackNorris1986
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2021
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Someone threw their vest at me.

I'm alright though, it was totally 'armless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RRatty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2021
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For Halloween, I went to a Glow-in-the-Dark party.

It was lit!...which totally defeated the purpose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphox14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2021
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Did you hear about the black and white bears that escaped the zoo?

It was total pandamonium in the streets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ms434343
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2021
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I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Not a joke, I just wanted to say that I love this sub!

My wife groans at most of the jokes, but she also laughs. The way I see it the jokes may be kind of dumb, but they are totally worth it if they make you smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/movieguy95453
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2021
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such build-up, totally worth it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12jd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I started a night club for men, with ED.

It was a total flop and nobody came.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Infectedtoe32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2021
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totally not his fault, can understand
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Today I found out I'm colorblind

Totally came out of the purple

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boolean_buffalo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2021
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Some terrorists wanted to film a documentary about plane hijackings

They are currently shooting the pilot

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heartbreaker963
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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Totally not sponsored...
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geert-Jan333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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