He has selfie steam issues.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Someone who points out the obvious.
My thoughts are with his family.
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
The no-bell prize
There's no plaque.
They say he committed mass jeanocide.
Remains to be seen.
He won the no-bell prize!
He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.
As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.
Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.
When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,
"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"
I said, "Sure, why not?"
..you can hide but you can’t run.
The Boogie Man
(From my 8 yr old)
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
He pasta-way
Apparently he told a dad joke in class and it got no reaction.
I hope you’re happy
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
It was a huge spectacle!
Owie Mandel
"I'll find you....I have contacts."
Mostly because they’re not dead yet.
Sir Cumference
In fact, I know she seamstressed
The man, after about 30 seconds.
Medusa.... One look from her, made guys rock hard.
His vacation went off without a hitch.
He had a dry sense of humor.
Apparently, he was out standing in his field.
Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".
Lettuce Spray.
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
It was a wanton wonton
He was a legend
He now is a sturgeon
I can't believe it's not Buddha.
That's probably because of all the calf raises they do all the time.
A Cerebral Killer.
The Pope's Office
Cardinal Directions
Apparently he wanted to transcend dental medication.
My thoughts are with his family.
I have contacts.
He has selfie-steam issues
