A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions
He only lives a stone's throw away
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....
He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube...
It has been 43 years and I still cannot solve it.
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said “do you have a police record, sir?” I said:
Did you hear that they just broke the Guinness Record for largest pickle?
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...
I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.
I think she watches the highlights later.
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.
He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.
Did you hear about the guy who held the world record for most time spent on the toilet?
I wanted to set the world record for the most trees cut down,
But I just couldn’t hack it
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?
Start with a large fortune.
WHat happens if you forget to record the drummer?
There will be repercussions!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.
I'll never forget Juan Solo.
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
Does anyone here hold the javelin world record?
No?
Well, it was a long shot.
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe.
I had reached Nirvana.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.
I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"
For the record, I don't know Chris 😂😂
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
(one for the older folks) Just for the Record....
A person born in 33 was 45 in 78
"What's your criminal record?" asked the cop.
I said, "Once I robbed a bank in 24 seconds."
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I threw a record into the Grand Canyon
The distance it fell was record breaking
So I was at the record store the other day..
And I couldn't decide between 2112 and Moving Pictures. So I decided to go home and think about it for awhile.
I didn't want to make any Rush decisions.
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products
which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos
I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose...
A mountain climber had recently set the world record for climbing a mountain with a strange name
He was at the peak of productivity
So, I like listening to vinyl records and composing music on my Galaxy Tab with the S-Pen.
But my stylus is broken, so I can do neither.
I hope the place where Phil Collins records his vocals is referred to as the "Stu-Stustudio"
Ever hear about the Australian baseball player that has the record for being walked the most times?
My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers.
I think she watches the highlights later.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
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