I left my front door open yesterday and my Roomba went right outside and I haven't seen it since. I'm afraid that it's going to die out there in the wild.
You know, because Nature Abhors a Vacuum.
I accidentally stepped in wet cement in the front walkway of this building because I was in a rush to get to my first job interview
I'm pretty sure I left a bad impression.
Was filling out a form at a local gym and saw this girl checking herself out next to the front desk & thought it was the perfect opportunity..
Walked behind her and said "wow, nice form" she started blushing then rolled her eyes when she saw me handing the guy at the front desk the form I was referring to 😆.
Can't believe my professor failed me in front of the entire class
If you have front row seats to the Shakespearean monologs festival, be prepared for one thing.
My wife left her Crocs in front of the refrigerator, preventing me from opening it. When I asked why they were there...
She says, "it's a Croc Block."
The Vietnamese mafia just opened a restaurant in town, and I think it’s a front.
It’s called Pho Get About It.
What did the front of the ship say to the back of the ship?
What’s the difference between being in front of a car and being behind it?
If you’re in front of it you’ll be tired, if you’re behind it you’ll be exhausted
Spock has three pointy ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. What does Scotty have?
You know what I like about the novel All Quiet On The Western Front?
I find the book to be remarque-able
Did you know that if you scream three times “Bloody Mary” in front of the mirror in a dark room at 3 am…
…your wife will get up, switch on the light and ask you why the fuck are you screaming at that time in the night ?
Someone has ripped the front and back pages of my dictionary out.
It just goes from Bad to Worse.
What do you name a dog who sleeps by the front door?
I once stayed at a hotel and asked the nice, and mildly attractive, front desk attendant if their breakfast was any good. 'It will be a lot better if you're there!'
It was a complimentary breakfast.
As his vacation came to an end, Username went to the front desk of the hotel to settle his bill.
I went to get a chicken from the butcher shop, but there were none in the front display case.
He said he would have to pullet from inventory.
The doormat on my front porch is looking kinda beat up
I'm afraid I may have worn out my welcome
mat
My wife and I are staying at a hotel. The street in front of the main entrance is called Griffin Drive. I told my wife that I was going to call the main entrance the "Harry Potter Entrance." She asked me why and I said...
Because it's the Griffin Door.
She didn't get it. And didn't think it was funny when I explained it. I thought it might be better received here.
I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front…..
“Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
My dog and I spent all day herding a flock of sheep up a steep incline. Just as we reached the peak, one of the sheep near the front slipped and triggered...
I was standing naked in front of the mirror this morning and thought...
I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.
My college professor laughed mockingly at me in front of the whole class as he knocked my score down from an A to an F...
It was a very degrading experience.
Dad jokes in the wild: I was shopping at a grocery store and a young kid was restocking bricks of butter, and he dropped a couple right in front of me…
I said “woah, Butter fingers!”
I was pushing my daughter in a stroller and The young girl he was working with snorted and said “at least you’re a dad, you’re allowed to make bad jokes”
Proud moment.
My boss asked me to look sharp in front of the clients, but it was impossible...
if you're driving fast and a child and an old man cross the street in front of you. What do you hit?
So I got into a car accident today, went right up the backside of the car in front of me....
When I got out of the car to exchange details, the other driver - a dwarf - walks up to me and says "I'm not happy!!!"
I replied "well, which one are you then?"
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.
Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.
I'm developing a ww2 themed game that re-enacts the battles of the eastern front, but fought by armies of slender, graceful water birds....
It's a tern based strategy.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left outside my front door.
I must have fallen on some hard Times.
I heard a knock on my front door. When I answered it, a giant beetle punched me in the face.
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round.
I had the worst night last night. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Why did grandmaster flash get front row tickets to the U2 concert?
Because he’s close to the edge
Just built some new stairs for the front of my house
Everyone says it looks stoopendous
Proud Dad moment here: I was changing out a light fixture in the front hall and asked my 16yo son to hand me a pair of pliers
As he gave them to me, he said “Sure Dad — many hands make light work.”
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
My girlfriend tore the front off my favorite book.
Not sure if I'll ever recover.
I'm at JFK and the man in front of me has just collapsed on the luggage carousel...
My father was showing off my achievements in front of the relatives...
...yes, he really was Dadvertising me!
Did you see the front page story in the newspaper about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
At church, my son drew a picture of Joseph and Mary’s flight into Egypt. It was literally Joseph and Mary in an airplane. Giggling, I asked him, “Who is the guy in the front of the plane?”
He said, “Oh, that’s the pilot, Pontius Pilot!”
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
My Spanish wife always warned me about driving with her desserts between the front seats, but I never listened
Then one day the shift hit the flan
I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.
It just goes from bad to worse.
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