He was just arrested for Petty theft.
I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"
they think outside of the Bachs
About 1000 years
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
You: Dad, im a Communist.
Dad: Hi hungry I'm Dad.
The dadabase
They charged one and let the other one off.
Euripides, you pay!
Well after 1984 I didnβt have much energy for The Idiot anyways.
It's a pay-as-you-van-Gogh model.
[The family have just sat down at the dinner table for their evening meal together, and are chatting about their day and the food]
Mother: Oh, by the way, if anyone wants any more fish fingers, they're cooking in the oven.
Daughter: Okay. How long will they be?
Father: About two and a half inches.
I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo
My dad was helping me put up a mountable TV stand in my apartment. He takes out his stud-finder and holds it up to his chest, chuckling, "Hey look, I found a stud". My mom gave the same eye-roll and half-smile she's been giving him for the past 38 years.
Wife: Kids! Come down for dinner!
4yo: Dad, I'm hungry.
Me [pauses for dramatic effect because we all know it's happening]: Hi, Hungry... I'm Dad.
4yo: NO! I'm not Hungry!
Me: Oh, ok. Honey, 4yo isn't hungry.
Wife: He doesn't want dinner?
4yo: No. I am hungry.
Me: Oh hi, Hungry, I'm Dad.
4yo: ARGH!!!!!!
7yo: Ugh. Just ignore him, 4yo.
My dad and I walk into the Verizon store because my mom's iPhone mysteriously stopped working. The clerk working at the front desk came up to us an asked us a few questions about the phone. He asked my dad, "Have you ever introduced the phone to water?" To which my dad quickly responded to with "Yes, I said, phone, this is water. Water, this is phone. " the clerk didn't get why my dad and I started laughing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqxBFY-M1KM
"hey son, how do you make a match burn twice?"
"I couldn't tell ya dad"
lights match "one.."
touches match to my skin "two!"
I cower in pain
Me: Dad, make me a sandwich!
Him: POOF! You're a sandwich!
I was busy cooking us pancakes for breakfast when she came out with this one:
Her: Dad you're a pancake.
Me: Huh? I'm not a pancake.
Her: Hi Not-a-pancake, I'm Silvia.
Me: proud tears of joy
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
I give them high Marx if they do.
Wife: Watch my purse.
Dad: Why? Is it going to do a trick?
Always happens, I swear.
"Oh, you got a haircut!"
"I got all of them cut."
Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
Star Trek: the Mex Generation
Father and son place there order and arrive at the cash register to pay and the total was $12.03.
Dad "You got three cents?" Son "No." Dad "Course not you got no sense."
son groaned, I chuckled
Dad: "The boat has a broken impellar"
Me: "A Broken what?"
Dad: "Impellar"
Me: "How do you spell that?"
Dad: "t-h-a-t"
....sigh
Dad: Do you want a sandwich?
Me: No thanks, I don't really feel like a sandwich.
Dad: pokes arm Yeah, you're right.
God damn it!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jemimaskelley/ten-tickles?utm_term=.seNDBY8Q4&sub=4015207_6808513
http://imgur.com/OfH9PlI
Me: Bye dad, I'll see you in a few hours after I get home from the movies!
Dad: Bye!
me leaving and returning 5 seconds later because I forgot something such as my keys or gkasses
Dad: Wow, you're back so quick! That must have been a short movie!
http://imgur.com/gallery/POURE
A student I teach came up to me yesterday and told me her dad always says a certain joke at home.
Me: Oh yeah? How does it go?
Her: First you have to tell me your hungry.
Me: Sorry. I'm not Hungry. I'm Mr. Ridicuhsweet. But it's nice to meet you!
Glad I could extend her dad's humour to the classroom.
