Because they have no attachment
http://imgur.com/bQIOGeg
Wife: Would you like a toasted gouda and ham sandwich for lunch?
Me: No thanks, not hungry yet.
Wife: OK, so you're gouda for now then.
Maybe I just don't understand the context.
Jack: "I don't know."
Jim: "Neither do I."
"There's a man on the bus next to me that keeps farting."
I replied, "That's okay. At least he isn't on your bus."
Unknown number: do you want to come fishing with us Jack?
My mom: sure only if Jill is coming with us.
My mom filled two roles while I was growing up, and she has dad jokes. She couldn’t stop laughing about it until they replied.
Unknown number: Who’s Jill?
My mom to me: should I ask about Diane?
Jack and Jill, Jack and Diane.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|
Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.
Her husband texted back: "What's wrong?"
The woman writes: "I'm missing my periods"
It meant the world to me
SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?
Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast
SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!
Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.
I speak Atrocian
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
The police however caught them, confiscated their phones, and produced them at the court showing the messages as irrefutable evidence. But, the judge dismissed the case. He said that the evidence cannot be accepted as they'd all been taken out of 'Con text'.
The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?
This is the exact interaction that took place:
Dad: I have a joke for you
Me: Aight.
Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them...
Me: Go on. Im enthralled.
Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass
Dad: Horses eat grass
Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop
Dad: He or she will say I do not know
Dad: R u ready for punchline?
Me: I was born ready.
Dad: Ok then...
Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit!
Me: I see you learned to text message.
Wife: I am dog-tired today.
Me: Jeez, honey, that sounds "ruff".
- Me: I'm picking up pizza, are you hungry?
- Dad: No, I'm Dad.
- Me: You're hilarious
- Dad: Wrong again Matthew, I'm Dad!
- I Walked right into it
My response: So are they boo-hoo-bies?
Great, now parents have to worry about their kids getting ghosted by a velociraptor? "Hey Timmy, it's Ronny the Raptor. U up? Don't you hate it when you send an eggplant emoji to a Triceratops and they be like: who dis?"
First text from Dad:
"Son, I'd like to make three points."
After about 5 minutes of waiting nervously to hear what I did wrong I receive this text:
"..."
Followed by, "Hope you're having a good Wednesday son :)" His mission was accomplished.
Text between two dads. Talking about our friend Sean but miss texted Seam.
Me: Can I get a ride from seams? Him: Yep but who is this seams guy will I like him? Me: Yeah you will like Seam. He really holds things together..
http://i.imgur.com/5jqWvaD.png
My wife sent me a picture of our baby. This was the exchange that followed:
Me: Look at those cheeks! They are huge!
Her: It is the angle, I am sure. The camera adds 10 pounds.
Me: How many cameras are you using?!
http://imgur.com/Tk1kbVL
I received a text message that was clearly meant for someone else where the person said something like "I was hopping you could pick me up a case of beef sticks while you're at the store."
I responded with "Won't you be tired from all that hopping until Molly gets back from the store?"
An older guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Check it out, I got a 'selfie' stick for my cellphone," he tells the bartender. "What the heck did you do that for? You're not a 12 year old girl," the bartender asks. "Because now I can finally hold my phone far enough away to actually be able to read my text messages....."
My pop just dropped this one via text message:
I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee this morning... Got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
My daughter is at university in another state. We occasionally text each other dad jokes. Last night she sent me a message: “send me more dad jokes, quick.” I hopped to it, racking my brain for anything new that I hadn’t already sent her recently. After a few moments she sent me: “we are doing a class project and during the down times I’m reading your jokes to the class, you have a fan base here” I was over the moon. A few moments later she sent me a video of her entire class saying, in chorus: “Thanks Nate’s Dad”. Completely chuffed. Thank you community, you not only entertain, you help connect.
...that he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message
