A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...

"Your kid in me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...

If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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My daughter had her 6th driving test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 jumped out of the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Why did the vampire get a COVID test?

Because he was COFFIN.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brylanham
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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If I had 50 cents for every maths Exam I failed

I’d have $8.40.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?

Maybe Baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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U have been tested positive for breathtaking
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea...

They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What crime did a test commit?

It didn't commit a crime, the teacher just told me to turn it in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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An answer in a listening test was "specific background material" and a classmate asked if it was ok to just write "background material"

The teacher said it had to be specific

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Bor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?

Whizdom

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Why is it called a paternity test...

....and not pop quiz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I failed a math test on an elevator.

I got it wrong on so many levels.

An old one I know, I just thought the punchline needed revision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SD_Swift
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My wife got tested for coronavirus...

I am very disappointed, she failed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noblegamer789
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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2 blondes talking. "I had a pregnancy test today" says the first.

"Were the questions hard?" asked the second

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What did the horse get on his blood test

B Neigh-getive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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My car failed it’s emissions test today!

Fuming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why did the guy in the dad jeans get a COVID test?

Because he didn't have any taste

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frontsign_mike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I tested myself for corona

Im now an alcoholic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrsanii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I just failed my trigonometry test...

It's because I don't understand sine language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hallsguide
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.

It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MR_TRUMP_Vincent2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My son asked we to pay for his rifle test today. It was $30.

That was a cheap shot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/signequanon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What did my doctor tell me after checking my blood test for spelling errors?

He told me it was Typo Negative

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourpaljenkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Trump tested positive for COVID-19

The news went viral.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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What were Donald Trump’s COVID-19 test results?

Extremely positive. The most positive, in fact. Everybody’s talking about it. It’s yuuuge. Nobody’s seen anything like it. Sleepy joe never would’ve been able to pull this off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylor5479
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night

Turns out it was just saturday night fever

(Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoAdenine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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What did Bugs Bunny say when the doctor asked him how he should be contacted with his test results?

WhatsApp doc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...

Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I have a grammar test tomorrow.

Is 'buttcheeks' one word? Or should I spread them apart?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wendru
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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but we hat a test
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsiganology
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I got my wife 4 pregnancy tests and they all came back positive

She’s now worried about how we are going to raise 4 kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Can I see the result of my eye test

Probably not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yourmomspetfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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So I tested positive for covid antibodies.

My dad wanted to know about my uncle-bodies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Registered_Murse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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What do you call it when a teacher watches his class as they take a test and plays online poker at the same time?

Proctor & Gamble

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Testing talent show equipment
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1WithNumbers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested

Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleek1t
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.

The bastard put me on Xanax!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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I took a blood test today

It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Friend wrote it on the back of her test
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADremurr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month...

But it’s costing me a fortune in houses...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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What’s a crash test dummy’s favorite song?

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why did the Eastern European student fail his test?

He was Russian to get it done

(Eastern euro joke 2/7)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkkiller1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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The vaccine should be tested on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe but if they don't the country is safe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerxbykabil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Why is it called a paternity test

and not a pop quiz?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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