Teach In Puns

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

It was the right triangle.

Nobody can understand the Bavariables!

Too much paperwork.

But it turns out spring water is just false advertisement

They knead it

Idk how this came to me the other day but I was thinking, if someone has a hard time remembering the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes, they can say this:

Type 1 is diabeetus of the fetus

Type 2 is diabeetus cause you eatus

With Marx and Engels.

Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

Waste of time turns out hes got two left feet.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

It was a pretty funny tangent, though

The itching in my eye was really out of control.

Se habla Espan y’all.

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

“I toad you so.”

When I saw her kill a butterfly, so to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don’t get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "Nice try".

He asked

"Will that make you a traitor or a trader?"

He texted my wife the following (my name's Hoss)

Do you know what that motion is called when Hoss walks his Harley backwards out of the garage without starting it?

Reverse Hossmosis! :D

I've been China get a job to pursue my teaching Korea but I'm willing Tibet the pay is Laos-y and I don't wan't money Thai-ing me down.

http://imgur.com/uICSJvZ

Her: Once, a prince tried to overthrow his father, the Shah. So his father killed all his son's men in front of him, then gouged out his eyes

Me: I guess he...

( •_•)>⌐■-■

...didn't see that one coming.

(⌐■_■)

Her: ಠ_ಠ

I was studying a course of Mass Transfer and found this in the book.
They are secretly teaching us about the Nazi Gas Chambers

Correct Printing Mistake

He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.

In Language Arts did they teach you how to roll your i's?

edit: I'm pretty sure she learned it from her mom.

Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years.

When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy.

One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied,

That's a Quackopotamous.....

As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work.

I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous .

Thanks Dad.

EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off! Gold! thank you so much.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend.

At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes.

He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes "ah-mend"

There is so much this man can teach me.

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.

My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"

My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more limber and athletic, so I asked the instructor at my gym: “Can you teach me to do the splits in 4 weeks?”

Instructor: ”That depends; how flexible are you?”

Me: ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

Two army men are using the bathroom and after wash their hands. A navy man walks in does his business and is begging to leave with out washing his hands, until and army men asks didn’t they teach you wash your hands in the navy. The navy man replied yes but they also taught us not to piss on our hands...

A lion was chasing a rabbit suddenly out of nowhere a fairy appeared and told them that if they quit fighting she'd grant 3 wishes to both of them They both agreed First it was the Lion's turn Lion- convert all the lions of the jungle into lionesses GRANTED Bunny- teach me the art of driving cars GRANTED Lion- convert all the lions of the neighboring jungles into lionesses GRANTED Bunny- Get me the fastest car GRANTED Lion(3RD WISH) convert all other lions in the world into lionesses GRANTED Bunny starts his car and shouts froM THE WINDOW Make THIS LION GAY!

I teach high school math. The other day, December 1st, one of my students was looking at the date he wrote down on the paper he was about to turn in and said, "Hey, today's December!"

And I replied, "Yeah, and tomorrow's December, too."

The class started groaning at my bad joke, but I didn't even realize I had said a pun until they started groaning! I don't even have children, but the dad in me must already be growing.

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.

How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone

What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.

Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.

Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.

How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.

What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.

I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium

What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe

What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A ‘gram’ cracker.

What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)

What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.

How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a “carbonkneel”

What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.

How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na

Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.

Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down

Why do chemistry professor like to

I teach Physics. One of my students pointed out to me that I nod my head a lot as I'm talking with students one on one or in small groups. When we get to waves, I'm going to ask them to count the number of times I nod my head in one class. Then they can calculate the frequency at which I nod my head, or in other words, how much my head Hertz.

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".

anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !

When I was in 2nd or third grade and my sister was in kindergarten, we asked my dad why he didn't work anymore, he had retired earlier that year. He convinced us he had invented the question mark and every time someone read one, he got ten cents. It was funny, until my sister's teacher mentioned she was honored to meet such an important inventor at the parent teach conference. Then it was hilarious.