My mom's boyfriend of 3 years has taken on the role of my dad, he's getting pretty good at it.

Mom to me: Hey, go make me a chicken pot pie

Step dad: BAM! You're a chicken pot pie!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sydd321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2014
🚨︎ report
The guy who came up with the "I Spy with my little Eye..." Game was shot 3 times and taken to the hospital.

They had to put him in the Icu.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manlyusername
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet

Space X has really taken off this past year

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domundead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**

Taken from fb

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XDG-Diggz74
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.

Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The churches in Las Vegas

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
You can tell how people feel about your jokes by how they treat your gate.

If they leave it alone, they like your jokes. If they steal it, they've taken a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeMeADonut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a sore throat after eating some Christmas decorations.

I had to get my tinsels taken out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I need a ladder, but can't afford one.

So, steps will have to be taken.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a fear of elevators,

So I've taken steps to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Know what it means when the mods remove some of your posts?

That they've taken a fence!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A chemist froze himself at -273.15Β°C

Everyone thought he was crazy but he was 0K

Taken from u/HassanMehdi on r/technicallythetruth

πŸ‘︎ 473
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruinsfan011
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Doctor,

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...

She was takin' a back when taken aback!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Its hard as a rock being a dad.

Always taken for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesStrangsGhost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Taylor Swift is not what she seems

I sent her my trousers to be taken up by 4 inches over 3 months ago

and I still haven't had them back!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A dung beetle walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grandma1967
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know what it is about planes but

They seem to have really taken off recently.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorne175
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw a German sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.

I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snipesma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to start a subreddit for people to post pictures of their favorite movers of air...

But OnlyFans was already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is a hemorrhoid called a hemorrhoid?

Because asphalt was taken

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I just saw a flying sausage outside my window, but it was actually a migratory bird.

Looks like I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Windy246
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A pet store in New Mexico has seabirds in the window for sale; I bought the one on the right, but...

...I knew I shoulda taken that left tern at Albuquerque!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night

but all the seats were taken.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I just paid Β£25 for a 3 mile taxi ride to a launderette...

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ilovegingerhair18
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the stone mason break up with the con artist?

He was taken for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

β€œI must have taken Lief off my census”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Pete, Pete, and Repeat walk into a bar

Pete takes a few too many shots and gets sent home in a cab, Pete gets into a fight and taken to the drunk tank for the night.. who's left?

Repeat.

... Pete, Pete and repeat walk into a bar...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NunYaBizzNas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to a baker if they steal another's cream pie recipe?

They get taken into custard-y.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian.

They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

β€œThis must be a mistake,” the man says. β€œI’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

β€œNo mistake,” the doctor says. β€œIt’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor was repairing his car in the garage.

He had taken out both front tires. When he went inside his house I decided to steal away only one tire, because stealing both would have made me two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/it_roll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I think I had my first dad joke moment

I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"

Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"

There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."

My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.

Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/always-paranoid
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was winning in a staring contest once...

and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/richy923
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops

I'm tired of being taken for granite

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zembacraftworks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it called PMS?

Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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