He keeled the other fellow just like that!
They call themselves "New Word Order"
Because they cut corners
On many different levels
I said, "Well, dam..."
Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar
Now that's what I call structural integrity
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn't back down. Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears. He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Fed up, I shouted: Rock! Pay per scissors!
i think the easier one is the ladder of the 2
She is a pronoun
Bill: A Billding. Buil: I have a better idea.
Apparently, the board didn't approve of the bottom-up harakiri
Infantstructure.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked “birthday,” and said:
“Pick a card, any card”
The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:
In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.
Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
My dad - "Listen son, Dome was not built in a day"
my mom texted me back and said, "ruined, your tank is ruined."
I texted her back asking," why? what's wrong with it. I really like it."
Then my mom replies, " there are ancient ruins everywhere. You ruin-ed it...."
I was not ready for that one, it had me rolling :) and yes I did just fill my tank with a bunch of structures that look like ancient ruins
I guess you can say it's my fort eh?
- Bad Pun-ctuation...
The bees think that this ability is just the bee's knees.
Friend: I think the tallest is that building in Dubai.
Me: In Dubai?
Friend: Yeah, but I heard it's still under construction.
Me: Really? Well, do you know when it's "due by"?
Friend: ...
I was talking to my girlfriend about the sorority structure with President and all the various vice presidents.
She mentioned that another sorority uses a corporate structure..
Gf: "Rather than president they have a CEO and instead of a vice president of finance they have a CFO."
Me: "So do they have a Chief Operating Officer?"
Gf: "Yeah, I think so."
Me: "Oh, that's coo."
Snickered a bit and she just gave me that "you're kidding look."
Gf: i wanna go to a steakhouse.
Me: That doesn't seem structurally sound.
Gf: sigh
Me: Houses like that must be quite rare...
I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.
Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.
About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.
People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.
He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".
In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".
He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"
There were 4 people ahead of me, and the ATM itself is inside a small structure with big glass windows that could pass as a miniature storefront. An older man walked by us and yelled "Must be a sale on money!"
Only I laughed. There was even a dad in line with his daughter who didn't get it.
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.
However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.
However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.
The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:
Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."
Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"
Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."
(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).
Worker #1: "Should we use scaffolding or should we use some other means to access the higher portions of the structure."
Worker #2: "It should be the latter."
Worker #1: "Agreed. I'll get it off the truck."
This is not so much a request for a pun. I had heard that there was a town in the Scandinavian region that was known for their puns, and that this was recognized throughout the country. This was a part of a larger conversation about puns in general and the fact that they are typically frowned upon in english, while many other languages celebrate the pun, and are in fact more pun-prone due to the structure of the language.
However, I cannot remember where I heard this, I believe it was a podcast, but I cannot recall.
So, what cultures celebrate the pun, and do you know of any cities or towns known for their puns?
Thanks :)
Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about what features our two month old got from each of us.
Her: I think she has my features over your bone structure
Me: That makes sense; it was my bone structure that made her.
I got a groan and a "I am putting that on the internet" from her.
I'm in a college course just called "Dinosaurs" and the professor owns most of the models he shows in class. We were covering bone structures and there were quite a few bones and complete skeletons all over the lab for various assignments. Curious, one student asked "Are these your bones?"
He responds, entirely deadpan, "No, my bones are still inside me."
(groans and chuckles throughout the lab)
My mom, my grandfather, and I were walking about how powerful the Clinton political structure is, and how she was the Secretary of State for a few years.
Then, my grandfather pipes up and says: "Don't you mean she was the Secretary of Mistake?"
-_-
Wife: "I hate periods!"
Me: "Without them, we wouldn't have proper sentence structure."
So my dad and I are driving through Colorado and see a handful of structures that look like giant golf balls on the plains. We start discussing what they are when I muster up my best William Shatner voice and go "There.. Is some... Thing... On... The plains..." and die laughing. Made dad proud. Rest of the car, not so much.
Today my father and I were cleaning out the home of a 90 year old man. In the basement we found these huge and awkward old structures that were used to hang up clothes on hangars.
Dad: "These are so obsolete now. Most people just hang their clothes up on a Pole in their closet.......or a Jew or a Swede."
> > Balls > > > > INTERESTING OBSERVATION > > 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. > > > > > > > > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. > > > > > > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. > > And... > > > > > > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is > > GOLF. > > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: > > > > The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls > > become. > > There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Queen's Park > > playing marbles. > > You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!
Was looking for a certain structure in an anatomy book with a lab mate and couldn't find it:
Me: "Let's try looking in the appendix"
Her: "I don't think this book has an appendix"
Me: "How can an anatomy book not have an appendix?"
I thought it was hysterical. She either didn't get it or disagreed.
Sorry for any formatting issues - on mobile.
Today at my company we had a food drive. After we got all the food in we had a contest to see who could build the best structures out of the food. They gave me the mayonnaise so I built the Mayo Clinic.
We just found out that I got a scholarship so we were discussing majors because quite frankly, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Then this happened: Dad: how do you feel about architecture? Me: meh, there's too much structure. I proceeded to laugh for 5 minutes while he sat on the couch with the proudest look on his face.
