Squirting Puns

I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"

I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!

I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...

"Heinz-sight is 20/20"

I now have Heinzsight

One day, his dad comes across him eating like this and says, "That do be sourdough"

It runs in your genes.

A piss-tol

but now I kinda like the little squirt.

him: ugh I wish you could squirt

me: wtf I don’t call out all your flaws so don’t call out my short cummings

With a silent “cr”.

Son: yeah and this year I will be in peewee Dad: so do they want you to play soccer or urinate?

Well, because we named you after your Mom, squirt.

“I don’t want to get up,” she replied. “Will you carry me?

“No,” I replied. “Get up and go to bed.”

“But I’m too tired. Carry Me?”

“No! You’re like 90 pounds now. You’re too heavy.” I said.

“Well then, pretend I’m the kitten,” she said and grinned.

So I picked up the squirt bottle and sprayed her in the face.

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

• Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just “lending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?

• Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

• Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was “hit by pitch”?

• Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

• Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!

• If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?

My friend said he wanted the squirt gun that shoots jelly from the island of misfit toys. I told him it would probably jam a lot and asked him if it was standard issue for the US Army Preserves.

They didn't know what hit 'em until I squirted them with it!

Told this to my daughter. She then squirts me with a squirt gun we use to keep the dogs from barking.

In Heinz-sight, it was a bad idea.