Wok this way, and talk this way
Because actions speak louder than words.
He was protesting against violins in schools.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
They knew he’d give a French toast, and they said it wasn’t worth the pain.
It means a lot
Byelingual
BACKGROUND: Strokes can cause communication disorders, such as aphasia. This gem happened the other day.
Her (discussing beer with client): You like darker beers? I respect them but I prefer lighter ones like Spotted Cow.
Client 1: Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
Client 2: Literally
So I chose Russian.
He was a wise man of many cultures.
So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that my family spoke Gibberish and English and always wondering why they would laugh after I said that
It got lost in translation.
I could try harder to be, but I guess I'm just not Inuit.
"The ambulance", he says.
"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception
- thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
He's always pontificating...
Does that make one "intonational?"
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
I guess you could say that the "Joker" without an R is just a joke.
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
“Si, está.”
He couldn't sweep.
I said, "well, it's still all just written in sign language"
(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)
I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.
Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"
Me: "Well-"
Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"
I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.
He said it was no pun.
Porchewegeese
I replied, “yeah, I’m trylingual.”
...but I just couldn't Finnish.
'How?' he asked.
I said, 'At the bottom of my son's homework you put 'A for effort' when clearly it starts with an E.'
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡So, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner the other day. It was just gathering dust!
What kind of bagel can fly? A plane one!
I went to a graveyard the other day, it was really crowded. I figure people are dying to get in.
Didja hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!
What do you call a pointless pachyderm? An Irrelepahnt!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired!
Ever hear about the restaurant on the moon? No atmosphere at all.
And to end it all: "I bet if I gave you some thyme you could mustard a response to this complete a-salt on language, but for now we're just beefing around!"
The tigers were having a great time, roaring, baring teeth and in general having a great time. The cats were sitting quietly off to the side. The tigers asked the cats, “Why so quiet ? Don’t you like to have some boisterous fun ?” The cats replied, “Oh yes, we used to be tigers too. Until we got married.”
PS. (This sounded way better when my friend told me in the original Malayalam language slang poocha-pulee)
So I have an english speaking DnD group and it’s not my native language so I have a hard time coming up with creative puns.
Next month we will have an adventure where they will all be turned into sushi’s. Do you have any puns for Paladin sushi’s or wizard sushi’s or any other class BUT that person is also a sushi?
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
Lambo. ^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^^sorry.
Even the cake was in tiers
(Had to do a half cake day joke)
The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves
