Speak Out Puns

He had a spudder

Because communication is key.

The last two are Portuguese.

He spends ages checking her out, but doesn't have the nerve to speak to her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes hurtling out of its socket towards him. He reaches out, grabs it in the air and gives it back to her.

'Oh, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops the eye back in. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoy a fantastic meal together then go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest thoughts and he shares his. After paying for everything, she invites him back to her place. Next morning, she cooks them both a gourmet breakfast.

The man is amazed. 'You are the perfect woman,' he says. 'Are you this nice to every man you meet?' 'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Jolted awake again at six in the morning. AGAIN. AAAGH. I was alternating between trying to get them charged with harassment or just explaining all the negatives to popping off a bunch of unwanted wordplay at 6am. I went outside and yelled at the masked man "hey man, why are you like this?" "I'm just wired different," he said. "Puns really put a spark in my life." This shocked me. I thought there was no way he could still have more puns. "You have been waking me up by yelling puns for days!" I yelled, grabbing his shirt collar. "The police are on the way and you're about to catch a harassment charge." "Are sure?" "I'm positive... HEY WAIT. He laughed. "Well I'm gonna have you arrested for battery." I let go of his collar. I was disgusted. How did I start popping off puns too? I was speechless. "Watt, cat got your tongue? Or just can't keep up with my energy?" "I hate you so much. Now you got me speaking in puns." "I think you just need to meditate, bro." He said, winking at me. It was about that time the police arrived, and the irritating pun man bolted away. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS." It filled me with such joy when I same them hit him with the taser. It really shocked me when they pulled his mask off, and he explained the whole situation. It turns out he was one of my favorite employees, a good ol boy named William. He said he was bugging me because he hadn't received last week's paycheck. I forgot to pay the Electric Bill.

A DickTater

They couldn’t figure out whether to speak in past, present, or future.

This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.

But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.

He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.

Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.

Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.

He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.

After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.

Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.

The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".

The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.

After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an

A man comes in and offers to buy the dog and asks to speak to it. Go ahead, says the shop keeper. So how did you learn to talk? Well it's just something I picked up as a service dog for the blind. After that I went to Afghanistan helping to sniff out bombs. Then I came back received a medal and became the official guard dog of the White House. Convinced? Says the shopkeeper? Absolutely says the man. How much? $100. The man takes the dog not believing his good fortune. The shop keeper's wife comes in and says, you only got $100 for him? Jokes on him says the shopkeeper. That dog's a liar, he never did any of that crap.

When asked about it in an interview, Mick confirmed that "The Rolling Stones gather no mas"

Oh well, maybe one day I’ll do something with it.

For Veterans day, they had a pilot from the Austrian resistance speak. In his heavy accent he was talking about flying when suddenly three fokkers came out of the clouds and started shooting at him. Some of the kids gasped and others giggled, the teacher quickly said a Fokker is a type of German airplane. The veteran replied, "Yes but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts"

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

After standing in line for a moment he comes up to a teller with the name tag Patrica Wack who asked him what he was looking for.

The frog takes a moment and says, “I’d like a loan of a million dollars.”

Patrica look at him in utter shock and says, “But you’re a frog… what is your collateral? How are you going to pay it back?”

The frog waits for her to stop speaking then states simply, “My father is Mick Jagger.”

“How can you prove it?“ Patrica instantly responded.

Responding to her incredulity, the frog pulls out a small porcelain porcupine and places it in front of her, allowing a moment of inspection. Soon she asks, “What does this mean?” Looking to the frog for an explanation.

“Ask your boss,” He says. “he’ll know.”

Then, without waiting even a moment he turned on his heels and walked out of the bank. Patrica, dumbfounded by the strange interaction put the small porcupine to the side of her desk and waited for the end of the day…

—————————

At the end of the day Patrica went to her boss and recounted the whole strange story about the frog and handed her boss the porcupine, asking, “So what is it anyway?”

Her boss looked at the small porcupine for a moment then looked back up at her before responding,

“That’s a knickknack Patty Wack, give that frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone.”

P.S. While it may not exactly be a dad joke as expected, I did hear it from my father, who put great emphasis into the importance of the story. Hope y’all enjoyed.

Sherlock and Watson were slowly making their way across the foggy moonlit moors, searching for what they think will be someone recently killed. Watson yells, " Sherlock, come here! I see a body!" As Sherlock approached, it was a gruesome scene...the man's shirt was ripped off, a knife cut from his sternum all the way to his belt line...and his guts pulled out and piled on top of him. Watson speaks, "I've never seen such a thing...what do you make of it?" Sherlock took a few puffs from his pipe and said.....

" Why, it's alimentary, my dear Watson."

A man buys a parrot, thinking it’ll be a good companion. Upon getting the parrot home it starts talking, using really fowl (sorry, not sorry) language.

The man attempts to explain that he doesn’t tolerate that kind of talk in his home, but the parrot won’t cease its cursing. Angry and frustrated, the man punishes the parrot by putting it in the freezer for a full minute.

Upon retrieving the parrot from the freezer it’s incredibly upset and begins hurling even viler insults at the man. So he puts the parrot back in the freezer for 3 full minutes.

This time upon retrieving the bird it seems to understand the situation and through chattering beak promises not to speak that way again.

A few days later however the parrot again begins using filthy language and the man, being fed up, returns the parrot to the freezer for a full five minutes.

This time when taking the parrot out it is visibly shaken, has frost on its feathers and is shivering something fierce.

The man asks ‘have we learned our lesson?’ To which the bird replies ‘yes sir, no more cursing from me. But I have one question.’

Man asks ‘what’s that?’

Parrot replies ‘what the fuck did that turkey say to you?’

Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.

Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.

TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.

Bar tender says "wow, I never served a horse before. What can I getcha?" The horse, not able to understand or speak English, takes a crap on the floor and walks out.

If someone got up to speak and interrupted me, my go-to line was "sit down Slim Shady", because The Real Slim Shady would "Please stand up, please stand up."

Anyway, I want to up my pun game for the specific circumstance of a motherfucker interrupting my spiel during Political Discussion group.

Help me out.

A large Russian company buys a batch of off-road Mercedes trucks. The deal also includes training of drivers to work with the new equipment. One such Mercedes catches up with an old MAZ truck on the road. At one point the MAZ stopped, then a man with a bucket jumped out of it and scooped some water from a puddle on the road and poured it into the fuel tank. Then he gets in the truck, lights it and sets off. The instructor in the Mercedes, who speaks a little Russiаn, asks the driver:

- What's happening?

"It's out of fuel."

"You keep fuel in puddles along the road?"

- No. This is water.

The German was silent for a few minutes and stated:

- The car in front of us is moving with water!

- No! It's moving with diesel!

The instructor decides to make fun of him and is silent until they reach the base. Excited, he goes there and shares with his colleagues what he saw. It turns out that someone else saw the same thing, but he doesn't know Russiаn and couldn't ask. He returns to his trainee and continues to question. If MAZ is running on diesel, why did the driver add water to the fuel tank? The Russiаn explains to him that the pipe that sucks the diesel is located just a few centimetres above the bottom of the fuel tank. At the moment it stops refuelling, there are another ten litters of diesel in the fuel tank. When water is poured, the level rises, then the diesel, which is lighter, rises from the top and the truck can travel many more kilometres. Amazed by this explanation, the German asks:

"Why don't they put the fuel pipe at the bottom of the tank?"

The Russiаn's in shock answers him:

- But what if there is water in the diesel?

Edit: How a MAZ truck looks like - https://youtu.be/roj5Xf55PDU

Turns out there Brazilians of people who speak it!

An older American couple visits Russia for the first time. They are a little concerned about the language barrier as neither speak Russian. Luckily they find a very friendly cab driver named Rudolph at the airport who speaks fluent English. He gives them his mobile number and says he'll be happy to drive them anywhere they need to go during their stay.

The next morning the wife calls Rudolph and asks if he can take them around to several of the sites. He agrees and warns her to bring an umbrella as it's going to rain today.

She tells her husband who promptly looks out the window and sees clear blue skies. He says the cab driver is just pulling her leg and refuses to bring an umbrella.

The cab picks them up in front of the hotel and they have a very nice morning seeing the sites. Just after lunch the sky starts to fill with dark clouds. The cabbie reminds them to take there umbrellas at the next stop as rain storms in Russia can be severe.

The wife turns to her husband and says .....

See, I told you! Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

... I'll see myself out now ...

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

Daughter: "I'm shaking the hell out of it"

Side note. The me, "how?" reminded me of how, mostly in Northern British English (where the aitches are frequently dropped) , you can do the joke about speaking like a cat.

Side side note. This then reminded me about the audio joke about a cat on a motorcycle.

Side side side note. This, for some totally unknown reason, then got me thinking about two nuns on bikes riding down a cobbled street.

...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.

"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."

"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.

"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"

"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"

"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."

"Did it work??" asked the first man.

"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."

"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"

"I wished for a giant orange head."

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

DISCLAIMER: not my joke, but I forgot where I heard it from. If any of you know, comment and I'd appreciate it

So a frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. Her name is Mrs. Wack. He says "Hi, I'd like a loan"

She says "I dont know, you're a frog"

"Well, I want a loan"

"Okay, then. What's your name?"

"Kermit."

"As in "Kermit the Frog" Kermit?"

"No, my parents named me Kermit after Kermit. My name's Kermit Jagger. My father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog. Anyways, I want a loan for a lily pad"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Well, I have this..." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant.

"I dont know if I can accept this. Let me go in back and check with my boss"

Mrs. Wack goes into the back office where her boss is sitting.

"This frog came in, he says his names Kermit Jagger. He says he wants a loan and he gave me this as collateral" she holds up the pink elephant and gives it to her boss who inspects it for a moment

The boss turns to her and speaks. "Knick-Knack! Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

A cat goes down to his local bar and sits at the counter. The bar tender walks over and asks the cat what will it be? The cat replies " Me thirsty. Me take a beer". Puzzled at the cats response the bartender says OK and fetches him a drink. The bartender comes back with the order and places the drink on the table.

The cat grabs the drinks and says, " Me thank you ". At this point the bartender realizes the cat speaks in 3rd person and thought nothing of it.

He tells the cat that the drink will be 5 dollars. The cat acknowledges the bartender and stands up to reach for his wallet out of his pocket. As he reaches down into his pocket a stranger walking by accidentally steps on the cats foot which caused the cat to shriek in pain.

"ME OW! ME OW! ME OW!"

We were parking and I read the street sweeper sign out loud

Me: Monday 930-11am

Son: it's Thursday

Me: ya I know I was just reading the sign

Son: I was talking to the sign, not you

Me: signs don't speak English

Son: I know, they speak sign language.

Edit: My lazy ass logged in and fixed the formatting.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”

“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”

important, my family speaks Spanish

After my school's Christmas concert, I went out to eat with my family. They were asking me about some people who were announced for having made it into the All-State Band and Orchestra, one of which was a string bass player (contrabajo in Spanish).

I told them: "Si... Ella toca contrabajo. (Yes... She plays string bass.)"

And my dad replies: "¿Pues si toca con trabajo, porque la aceptaron? (Well if she plays with difficulty, why did they accept her?)"

TL;DR: Contrabajo = string bass, con trabajo = with difficulty

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

The words come letter