What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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It's easy to tell the difference between sober and drunk pedestrians.

The difference is staggering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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I'm pretty sober...

But, I'm prettier drunk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaaaaahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I will admit, despite a couple years sober

People that complain too much make me wanna chug whine bottles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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I've been sober for 90 days

Total

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient....

he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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The 21st century is now old enough to drink.

And you thought the sober years were bad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What's the hardest thing for a two day sober law student to do?

Passing the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haidokun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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My mate was sober entire month in January

And now it’s time for Febrewery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teressapanic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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My dad just celebrated 10 years sober.

Not in a row though, 20 minutes here, 3 hours there...

(My dad is actually starting to do stand up and I just watched a video of him and he said this verbatim)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IONTOP
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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AA meeting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trabe39
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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My Dad gives my family sobering news.

Dad: "I have some sobering news. We aren't going to have the whiskey tasting tonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kooskoos13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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I don’t know about yesterday’s 4/20,

but I know today’s 4/21 because it’s sober and clear headed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I've gone without booze for a week.

It's been a sobering experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NonDripRises
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picard47at
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.

Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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I've devoted my life to recovery from alcohol and drugs.

So far it's been a very sobering experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezusManForReal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Just made this one up

Q. What did one non-alcoholic beer say to the other?

A. How come we never get drunk?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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Need some help

Hey guys, I'm starting a Sober house and am at a total loss of what to call it. I don't like the cliche "Fresh Start" sort of names.

The closest I could come up with was Club Soba, but then upon checking, found out that name already has been taken.

What's the best you can do?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingsCrownVapor
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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Can't drink during the job?

Let's get this sober with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OkaneMochin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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Shanghai?

No. He's sober

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOctopotamus
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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saw this on r/jokes and had to share it

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friscosoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
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Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Dad's thoughts on open bars

Been working an unpaid internship for the last three months. Tonight is the company's party for their 5th anniversary in business.

Dad: "Are they gonna cover your drinks."

Me: "I sure hope so. If it's not open bar, I'll be pissed."

Dad: "No you won't, you'll be sober."

Shoulda seen that one coming...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/getinthecomputer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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Dad just got everyone at the family Christmas party

He's been sober for 9 years, and he's been sick lately. He was joking about the amount and frequency of Nyquil he's been taking.

Me: Gotta go to rehab for your Nyquil addiction now!

Him: Well, I gotta go to hab first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatMetalPanda
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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My great-grandfather every day at the nursing home...

Nurse: "How are you feeling today, George?"

Grandpa George: "Sober."

-later-

Cafeteria worker: "What would you like to drink today?"

Grandpa George: "Whiskey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cairaechan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Doctor: I can’t seem to find what is wrong with you. But it could be the excess alcohol consumption.

Man: No worries. I’ll come back when you are sober.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Do you know how ber I am?

sober

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calpoop
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
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