Punstoppable
A list of puns related to "Silencing"
"Iraaa-a-aaan... Iran's. so. far. a-waaa-a-aaay"
..its baffling!
I was discussing the snack supply with my family. I got a box of graham crackers a few days ago, and evidently they went through that, and bought another box, and went through that too. I said to them, "wow, you go through a lot of graham crackers... maybe you should start buying kilograham crackers." Four sets of eyes around the table went like this in unison:
β_β
ΰ² _ΰ²
-_-
I enjoyed a quiet little cackle while they stared.
It's no longer a shotgun, you call it a shhhhhhhhotgun
Sign language.
Then he asked, βWhat about Tigger?β
Nothing, heβs gladiator.
"And Tigger?"
So Iβve taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Because they haven't eaten their meat. How can they have any pudding if they don't eat their meat!
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
The pungent pun gent!
Because theyβre also looking for single moms in their area.
"Now youre super angry"
It will be missed.
My 4 year old daughter said she was hungry and her grandpa responded: "Hi Hungry, I'm Grandpa" to which she said, "No grandpa! 'Daughter's Name' is hungry!"
12 hours later, I was talking to my wife with daughter in the same room. I lamented saying that I'm tired. A couple of beats of silence later she quietly says "Watcha doing, Tired?" After fits of laughter all around, I couldn't be more proud!
Side note, she has the best comebacks for all of my classic dad jokes. For example, with "Got your nose," she calmly reaches toward my grabbing hand, puts it back to her nose and says, "I got it back." And I can't even argue because she uses the same Dad Joke logic to get her nose back!
Sorry if this isn't the typical Dad Joke format, I just wanted to share something that brings a smile to my face every time I think about it.
No one knows the Cure
Antibiotics.
He was using a silencer.
Too many ooooohms.
Sometime I just donβt feel like myself in my own skin
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I need your help! Iβm officiating a wedding in Italy for my good friends next week. Her dad passed away when she was 4 and he was well known for being a jokester and having a great sense of humor. Rather than a solemn moment of silence it seems more fitting to acknowledge his absence with a ceremonial dad joke (the bride has approved this idea). Do you guys have anything that would be fitting for his daughterβs wedding day?
Shushpicious.
Nobody laughs. Itβs like they fall on deaf ears.
He bust
Lamb Frank
A pissed-achio!
Now he wonβt talk to me.
I was getting a bit worried about my wife. I mean weβre not getting any younger and lots of things change as we get older.
I had noticed that she seemed to be losing her hearing, so I decided to do a little test.
I went 20 feet behind her and asked, βCan you hear me sweetheart?β No reply. So I moved to within 10 feet and asked her again. βCan you hear me, dear?β The silence was deafening.
So I moved to within 5 feet and enquired again. Not a word. So I sidled right up to a few inches behind her ear, and in a fairly loud voice asked her, βcan you hear me now.β
She turned and looked at me. βFor the fourth time, YES.β
You will be mist.
The Nun hangs out the window and shouts "Get off the fucking car!!"
A chipmunk.
Elderly Pilot
An elderly pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, βAre you a real pilot?β
He replied, βWell, Iβve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeroncaβs, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot β what about you?β
She said, βIβm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.β
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, βAre you a real pilot?β
He replied, βI always thought I was, but I just found out Iβm a lesbian.β
From a real dad...
β’ An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
β’ A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
β’ A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
β’ An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
β’ Two quotation marks walk into a βbar.β
β’ A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
β’ Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
β’ A question mark walks into a bar?
β’ A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
β’ Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
β’ A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
β’ A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
β’ Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
β’ A synonym strolls into a tavern.
β’ At the end of the day, a clichΓ© walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
β’ A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
β’ Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
β’ A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
β’ An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
β’ The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
β’ A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
β’ The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
β’ A dyslexic walks into a bra.
β’ A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
β’ A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
β’ A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
β’ A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Enjoy the silence.....
(I just made this up listening to this song)
He gave me the cold shoulder.
It's baffling
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
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