Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
He was baffled.
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.
It was not a sound argument.
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
I just want some peas and quiet.
...it's crickets.
I guess it goes without saying
Just being offered the chants
It's instrumental to my comprehension.
Iβll get my coat
You will be mist.
Aqua-rd silence
8-year-old: "Dad, did you know that Humpty Dumpty and Puss in Boots are brothers?"
me: "You know being Humpty Dumpty's brother is not all it's cracked up to be?"
everyone: silence
me: "Give me a break, I am new to this dad joke thing."
teenager: Cracks up
A silencer
They get into a huge fight about the best way to start the camp fire.
The two sit in silence for a few moments, cold and frustrated
The dad promptly reaches into his backpack, grabs a pair of scissors and tears into the wall of their canvas shelter.
The son yells, "What the heck are you doing, you maniac?!!?!?"
The dad turns to him, looks him dead in the eyes, and says, "Just trying to cut the tent-son."
That is not a good sign.
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
Itβs easier said than done.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
It is St.Fu.
"Doesn't matter to me, I am bi-stemual".
Absolute silence.
"Irony!" I thought.
Silence of the Lambeau
Friend: watching TV show called Sunday "I wonder when Sunday ends."
Me: "11:59 I think."
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair
Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay
Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly
She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds
Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!
Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!
My daughter exhales sharply
Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!
Theyβre practically begging to be silenced.
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Me: No, I think they come that way.
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Duct tape is silver... silver can be made into gold.
Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said βKids meal with the legβ and the lady says βWhich side?β
Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*
βI guess the right side, hell I donβt know what the difference is.β
After several moments of laughter she says βNo hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?β
Silence, because it's golden
I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.
I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.
As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.
I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"
A Hannibal Lecture!
