I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)
She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.
The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales"
I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".
*HMV is a music shop.
Every time the camper heard something rustle in the woods he shouted, "It's a grizzly!"
Guess he was a bit bearanoid.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Made it finally to the beach after lockdown and joyously shouted...
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know. I amputated your arms!”
Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, “What was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”
The other replied, “Tiiiiimmmber!”
When I was in the Army, the drill Sergeant once shouted at me, WHAT DOES SURRENDER MEAN ?!!
My kid just peed on my bed. And I shouted
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
My wife shouted, “You’re shirtless and also covered in oil?” I chuckled, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”
“Listen! You never listen!”
My dad was doing a crossword the other day, he shouted across the room, 'Help me with 11 down the clue is: Over worked Postman'. 'How may letters?' I asked.
"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you", she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
A bloke on a tractor just drove past and shouted “the end of the world is nigh”
I think it was farmer geddon
Archimedes was sat around thinking of names for the fluid expulsion tube in the human body. Suddenly, he knew the perfect name, stood up, and shouted-
Shouted into a colander....
I shouted into the canyon in hopes of hearing my echo.
It was a resounding success.
As my wife was cleaning out the closet, she suddenly shouted excitedly, "Can you believe it?! After 10 years and it still fits!"
I laughed, "Babe, it's a scarf!"
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"
He said, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"
My Dad literary banged on the toilet window and shouted, "Did I scare the shit outta ya?"
"Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit?!" I shouted out from under the car.
He laughed back, "Yeah, I doodad!!"
I went to a catholic church for the first time in years. The priest kept fielding questions from the large congregation, so I shouted out...
The Mrs shouted at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"
I thought "Blimey, what a weird way to start a conversation".
I walked into a bar and saw Van Gogh sitting at the end. I shouted ‘Hey Van do you want a drink?!’
He replied ‘No thanks, I’ve already got one ear’
"I wish you would stop gambling!" I shouted at my son.
"You're no better yourself!" he snapped.
I said, "Exactly. That's why I don't encourage it."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
Made to the beach finally, after months away, and joyously shouted..
..Hey ! Long time no Sea.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted…
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms“
When my mom was in labor she suddenly shouted “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
My dad said to the doctor, “don’t worry those are just contractions”
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree upon arrival he started cutting down trees until one tree shouted wait I'm a talking tree
Which he responded and you will dialogue!
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
