I accidentally sat on glass and the shattered glass went in my butt.

It was a real pane in the ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I dropped my Crystal Ball and it shattered.

I should've seen it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilgeekwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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My father fell from a tree and shattered the ribs on his left side

He's really broken up about it

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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The opera singer destroyed the champagne flutes that might have incriminated her, by singing til it shattered...

She was convicted of Timbre-ing with evidence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michael-freddy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
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Today, I tried to get some pickles, but the container shattered when I picked it up!

It was really jarring!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/binaryfruit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2013
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When I was a kid my sister shattered her elbow and was taken to the hospital.

When my dad arrived, he said "this is for if you ever need a new one" and gave her a box of elbow macaroni noodles.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpehlingAirer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.

I guess she doesn’t like windows.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xKonings
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I recently dropped and broke a 'shatter-proof' ruler

My disappointment is immeasurable

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xzcar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I had a glass statue of Captain Kirk. My dog ran by and knocked it over and it broke.

William Shattered

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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Will Glass shatter the box office or will it just break even.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_freeze___
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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What happens when you shatter your funny bone?

You crack up.......

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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I was considering opening a mirror shop

But after reflecting on it, I just couldn't see myself doing that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mickets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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My dad was cleaning a dish, and dropped it on the floor, shattering it.

His response?

Well at least it's partly clean!

Straight from my dad's mouth about 30s ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedXTechX
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My phone case saved my phone from shattering

Whew. best case scenario

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doebro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
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Remains to be seen
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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A cook at Waffle House drops a plate and it shatters on the floor

An old guy yells from across the room, "If your check says China, it don't mean vacation!" True story.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ennui_Go
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
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I once asked a pirate about why he wore an eye patch.

He told me he used to have a glass eye, but that it had become infected. When he went to the doctor he was prescribed three eye drops each morning and evening. By the first morning though he’d dropped it so many times it had shattered!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Fucked-YourMom
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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This looks like it's gonna be a huge pane to clean up.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BOBquonjin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A glazier dropped his window and said.

That's a pane.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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They just came out with a new model of jackhammer

It's groundbreaking

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuniorGenius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke. Cyanide and Happiness style imgur.com/7qbcB2M
πŸ‘︎ 664
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajl_mo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A fastidious fry cook at a local friend chicken joint had a different cutting board for every part of the chicken....

One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered.

He said, "Well, back to the old raw wing board."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend and I have this game we play...

If someone makes a pun, you have to reply in a pun... but it has to be on the same topic as the original pun. Sooooooooooooooooooo my friend had the most clever, best pun of all time... A 3 word combo. The topic was dairy... and he made a pun I didn't quite catch... so with his wit, he responded "I guess that one flew right pasteurize" My mind was shattered...

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nazathan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Our car's windshield got a crack and was going to get repaired, enter dad

Sister: "Where will we get it (referring to the windshield) fixed"

Dad: "In the front of the car, ofcourse"

It's a very bad joke, but at least I now know my dad is 100% a father.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shizrah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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Niece: Lorde just dropped a new album

Me: I hope it wasn't a 78. Those things really shatter.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAlongPonds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
🚨︎ report
A bowling ball jumps off a roof...

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."

I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before.... X/post from jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jigbaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Made my whole office groan yesterday.

A couple years ago, an employee of ours, when she was in college, was using her MacBook in a tree. The laptop fell off her lap, to the ground, and the screen was shattered.

This story was recounted yesterday and I added: "Looks like the apple didn't fall far from the tree".

A couple laughs, many groans, but mostly "oh gosh..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hm03surf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Friend Dropped a Dad Joke

#1: "My dad is a proctologist, you wouldn't believe what he's had to remove from people's rear ends. For example, did you know that to get a light bulb out, you have to encase it in plastic first so it doesn't shatter?"

#2: "Why would anyone put a light bulb in their ass in the first place?"

#3: "He must have thought it was a bright idea."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZachofFables
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
🚨︎ report

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