I just threw up my Travis Scott meal...

I think I’m in sicko mode

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sk80Boi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Very rarely will you meet a fully fledged Scott. Most of them are only Scott-ish
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jelutr0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Time to switch from Scott Paper to Scott ...

Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RooibosCeleryTea
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Scott-free
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asgore45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Michael Scott would approve
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mason_ja
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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I found a Scott Stapp solo album on sale for only $0.05.

I think I want my nickel back.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
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A girl broke up with her boyfriend Scott

Looks like she got away scott-free.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_floof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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What does Scott Stapp write on his resume cover letter?

β€œCan you take me? Hire!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/straatocastoer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Scott Chegg
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Real_Hen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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What did the daddy Scott towel say to the tired tissues?

It's time to nap-kin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanofstuf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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Scott Kurtz dadded us

http://imgur.com/a/nKz3Z

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nova_Saibrock
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
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Scott Hilburn's got jokes.

http://i.imgur.com/XvAqkT9.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RunningInMud
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2015
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My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What did the tree do when the bank was closed?

Started its own branch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

β€œBa-dumm-Tsss”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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If i had a DeLorean,

I would probably drive it from time to time

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sergio_the_pro
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Want to hear my joke about paper?

Nevermind....

It's tearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KootenayKailash
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'….

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Butt-270_Ham_227
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I’m not superstitious

But I am a little stitious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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"That's what." - She
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjambo1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Did I just get dad joked?

I'm listening to Travis Scott (with headphones on) and my 6 yr old is playing with a lite brite.

Me: "It's lit!"
Kid: "Yeah dad, it actually is lit!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said β€œwhere does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, β€œit’s my high knee.”

Dad says, β€œit’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehocksbig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."

I asked "Which one are you then?"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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I can row a boat.

Canoe?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majesty1985
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Oh, how the Tides have turned.
πŸ‘︎ 763
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyPineConeFeet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?

Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him?

Dad: He was named in 1706.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconIfeelheavy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS...

oh... it's a tie

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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For the longest time I thought priest's collars were grey

I guess I'm just collar blind.

Thanks Michael Scott.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/space_bartender
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Looking for Punny Wedding Tagline

Not coming up with a ton of great ideas. My last name is Scott hers is Brown, shes becoming a Scott but we can't really think of anything for our tagline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CScott30
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2017
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my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xRVAx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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What has 9 arms and sucks!

Def Leppard!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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What is a dogs favorite breakfast?

Woofles!

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heidgerken
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Valet at Disney hotel got me twice.

I called down from my room to have my car brought around. Valet Scott answered the phone and asked for my ticket number. I said "one second" and he goes "One thousand one. TIMES UP!".

I chuckled, and continued digging through my wallet. After a moment I said "Just bear with me"

He immediately goes "ROAAAAAR!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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Did you hear about the invasion of the U.K.

Everyone got out Scott free

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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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What Do You Call An All-You-Can-Eat Garlic Restaurant?

Buffet the Vampire Slayer

Not my joke! Citation Needed by Tom Scott on YouTube

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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I laughed while my daughter cried today

Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...

Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!

Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.

I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.

Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwjjgg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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I'm from Scotland so a friend asked me if I'm fully Scottish

I said no I'm just scott-ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrashBandioof420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Who does Fergie think wrote the Star-Spangled Banner?

Francis Scott Off-key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HHStorm21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Co-Worker and I were bored at work this morning, we wrote this. We work for a fruit store.

NASHI here Scott, we don't need your PERSIMMON to PRODUCE puns. I ain't LIME-ing, fruit puns are hard. It's a GRAPE skill to have and not at all CORNy. If BANANA (you wanna) challenge us; that can be ORANGEd, however you SHALLOT be prePEARed for us. I can GUAVAntee we will not deal with you GINGERly; if you push, APPLE; (I pull) It's not like i'm speaking LEBANESE, CUCUMBERstand?

I myself am full of puns from my head TOMATOES, as you can KIWI (See, we) have been doing this longer than you, we never skip a BEET, our abilities just climb higher PAPAYA (and higher)?.

We don't CARROT all if you're upset by this, in fact it's about THYME we asked your mother on a DATE. So don't be a DILL, we've BEAN there and done that before. So be ready to LETTUCE give you something to cry about throws onion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iCappa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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I was so proud

My nephew doesn't like to wear underwear. His dad's name is Scott.

Dad: Ya know the Scottish don't wear underwear beneath their kilts. I wonder if [nephew] is Scottish. Me: He is Scott...ish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrapper7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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FiancΓ© told me to stop singing Creed songs this morning

But I couldn't (Scott) Stapp myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turntpup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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