Scott's Puns

Because he was tried by a jury of his peers

I got away Scott-free

I think I’m in sicko mode

Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.

Looks like she got away scott-free.

I think I want my nickel back.

“Can you take me? Hire!”

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

It's time to nap-kin

http://imgur.com/a/nKz3Z

http://i.imgur.com/XvAqkT9.jpg

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

I went to a meeting and knew everybody there!

She hit the roof

They're here, get used to them.

Credit to my son who stole this from Tom Scott.

“Ba-dumm-Tsss”

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

Yes. These pages are blank.

I just saved you three hours.

All credit to Dilbert by Scott Adams.

So I was planning a bank heist with my friend Steven. We'd gotten everything planned out, it was all set up, and we were in the parking lot of the bank, ready to go.

Last minute, Steven turns to me and goes "I can't do this man. Armed rbbery is wrong, I don't wanna risk getting anyone hurt."

So I turned to our third guy, who was also named Steven (christmas is a total nightmare. I tell him "let's make Steven #1 our fall guy, if the cops catch us, he takes the heat and we walk away scott free.

This Steven #2 goes "No no, we can't do that. Steven #1 doesn't want any part of this, we need to respect his decision."

So it turns out, there is honor among Steves.

Me: I think it's in...... Francis Scott key.

True story

Scott epipen

Started its own branch.

Cos I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I would probably drive it from time to time

Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”

I respond, “it’s my high knee.”

Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”

I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.

Nevermind....

It's tearable.

But I am a little stitious.

I asked "Which one are you then?"

I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked

Canoe?

Not coming up with a ton of great ideas. My last name is Scott hers is Brown, shes becoming a Scott but we can't really think of anything for our tagline.

I'm listening to Travis Scott (with headphones on) and my 6 yr old is playing with a lite brite.

Me: "It's lit!"
Kid: "Yeah dad, it actually is lit!"

oh... it's a tie

Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him?

Dad: He was named in 1706.

I called down from my room to have my car brought around. Valet Scott answered the phone and asked for my ticket number. I said "one second" and he goes "One thousand one. TIMES UP!".

I chuckled, and continued digging through my wallet. After a moment I said "Just bear with me"

He immediately goes "ROAAAAAR!!"

Woofles!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

I guess I'm just collar blind.

Thanks Michael Scott.