My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” because it’s annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
I’m so excited it’s spring time
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
I don’t really publicize the fact that I’m Thor’s brother.
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot
I’m thinking about becoming a proctologist who offers advice regarding people’s butts.
Anything I can rectum mend?
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
It’s something you can’t turn down!
I’m not sure why people refer to women’s privates as a flower
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m not saying he’s dumb
But he does think an asset is a little donkey.
I’m a server and here’s a dad interaction I had the other day
Me, pointing at his food: Wanna box for that?
Random dad: No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
My Wife Constantly Asks If I’m Listening to What She’s Saying
Such a weird way to start a conversation.
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
I’m sorry about posting another joke about Trump’s hair
I’m not sure if it’s true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
My friend invests all his money in S&M paraphernalia...
Yep, he's invested in bonds.
My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…
I’m worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coroner’s office
It’s a pretty big undertaking
I’m tired of defending myself for being an anti vaxxer. It’s a personal preference.
I don’t vax my floors. I don’t vax my chest hair, and I certainly don’t vax my legs.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I'm looking to sell my Delorean. It’s in Great condition, low mileage..
Only driven from time to time!
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
I'm a personal trainer for members of 1960's rock bands.
I'm still working out the Kinks.
I’ve posted this before but you guys didn’t recognize the brilliance of it so I’m posting it again because fuck you that’s why
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
I’m awaiting reply, but it’s possible I was deleted entirely.
I want to make s'mores, but I'm out of graham crackers...
Good thing I have Instagram
I’m not saying that he’s lazy,
But his smoke alarm has a snooze button.
Summer’s almost here and I’m going to buy this really trendy fan
It’s going to be so cool 😎
I’m sure everyone’s heard this one but, it’s still one of my favorites. “Daddy, I’m Thirsty.”
“Hello, Thirsty. I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sundae.”
(Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun)
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.
But I can’t put my finger on it!
I’m sick of having to tell everyone my car’s not a Renault
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
I’m not a dad but here’s my best shot.
What does a depressed cowboy say?
Yee-nah
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
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