The List of Words first used by Shakespeare in OED: bachelorship, kickie-wickie, ruttish, unbosom and many more. shakespeare-w.com/englishโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sapientiam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2011
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Thou ruttish, fat-kidneyed joithead!
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mahler5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2011
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zipflop
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2021
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If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldnโ€™t have a son anymore

I would have a daughter

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Captbeauner
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Ah yes, pretty hip
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/entertainer011
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Dis-a-
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/krismoff
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2021
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Don't know if this was posted here before
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/choclite69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2021
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Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ScubaPride
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2021
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There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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What rhymes with orange.

No it doesn't.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Remo1975
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2021
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My Bluetooth speaker wasnโ€™t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now itโ€™s syncing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jigsatics
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2021
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In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAzrael2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2021
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To the person who stole my MS Office License.

I will find you. You have my Word.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Regclusive
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2021
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I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PensionNo8124
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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In honor of Motherโ€™s Day, Iโ€™d just like to say,

โ€œthank you for your cervix.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Sponge bob | (โ€ข)(โ€ข) | , Patrick / (โ€ข)(โ€ข) \ , Squidward ( (โ€ข)(โ€ข) ) , Plankton | (โ€ข) | , Mr. Krabs |โ€ข| |โ€ข|

Made me smile

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marinmarge
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2021
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He is right there...
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jointly_epic
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I got banned from /r/DadJokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Initially I didnโ€™t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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*Triggering britishers*
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/potato_patataa
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nikolai_G
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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And on that note
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcastic_gooner
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2021
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I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?

Theoretical Fizz-ics

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/professorf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Knight Knight
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shevelled
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Technical_Draft9407
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Why is Dark spelled with a โ€˜Kโ€™ and not a โ€˜Cโ€™?

Because you canโ€™t โ€˜Cโ€™ in the dark

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/streety22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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It is
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/egyptiancowboy05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/7keletor
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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My Dad just sent me this
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/metroracerUK
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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My wife said, โ€œI donโ€™t really understand the science behind human cloning.โ€

I said, โ€œThat makes two of us.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/XIIXOO
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rozen007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Found one of our own
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheIronPumpkin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Music puns sometimes hit the high notes
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/589ca35e1590b
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2021
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyfortaco
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 06 2021
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3 in 1
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thehawkplays
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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I saw a pack of gummy worms that said โ€œNo artificial flavor.โ€

Who buys gummy worms hoping theyโ€™d taste as close to real worms as possible?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pllarsen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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get it? get it? get it?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nonamerandomperson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Does this mean we're doomed?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CommanderZanderTGS
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

He's currently assembling his cabinet.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Telusion
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2021
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My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.

Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?

Because it'll blow his cover

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/p_tally
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.

That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/redwolve378
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2021
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