I broke my finger today

But on the other hand im fine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomG93
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
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A man entrees his home and is delighted to see...

That all of his lamps have been stolen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robercharlesvl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I like to make sculptures out of asbestos

Just make sure you don’t touch my art insulation.

(Art installation)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smorgasbard
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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How many eyes does a cyclops have?

None if you're spelling it correctly.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Tho my friends plastic surgery went horribly wrong...

He's keeping his chins up.

/edits: rephrasing and pluralization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Salt Lake City is concerned that too many teens are rebelling by going "Goth"

Mormon Emo Problems

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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I went to a pasta restaurant

Under the sign saying the name of the restaurant it said β€œvery cheap pasta.” When the waiter came to take my order I asked him: How cheap exactly is your pasta He answered: just as cheap as any other pasta Very confused I asked him to rephrase and he answered :just as cheap as any other pasta Still quite perplexed I asked him to give me an example.

He then told me: just as expensive as a penne.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/santaman33
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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I was doing laundry and commented on how many pairs of pants my boyfriend has. . .

He said "I'm a man of many pants". To which I replied "so is Pete(our dog)." My boyfriend just tells me not to talk to him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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Hey, Dad, you know what?

Thinking about my Dad a bit this week and I remembered that this was one of the things he always said to me until I learned to rephrase the question:

Whenever my brother or I would start with "Dad, you know what?"

He'd respond with, "I know who. I know why. I know where. I know how, but no, I don't know what."

That was Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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