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πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremePalash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2022
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Mailman
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HomoSapien1415
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2021
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god damn it
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xclusivecrushr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night.

Daughter: β€œDad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?”

Dad: Puzzled, confused look β€œUm, no…how?”

Daughter: β€œThey / them”. (They slash them)

Dad: β€œI’m so proud”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YankeesFan80
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Want to know what disappointment feels like?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2022
🚨︎ report
I just donated $100 to an organization for blind kids.

What gets me is that they will never see a penny of it.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2021
🚨︎ report
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion

They would call it crucifact.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2021
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Daughter just now while eating lunch: "What's your favorite number?"

Me: "3 and 5."

Wife: "That's odd."

Other daughter: "Even when you add them."

I've done well.

Edit: Spacing.

Edit 2: Holy gold Batman! I told my family we were brief internet celebrities last night, now we're royalty! Thanks the internet!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2021
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My 8 year old daughter just came up with this: What do you call Batman when he's hurt?

Bruised Wayne.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fattybrisket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that β€œDING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said β€œanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”

I said β€œare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”

I HAVE WON THE DAY

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2021
🚨︎ report
No more Suez Canal jokes!

That ship has sailed.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JhopkinsWA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor of interior design?

Room-atologist

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtianlaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/airbornemedic325
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2021
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What is a Reddit mod's favorite past tense verb?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2021
🚨︎ report
When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

This is one of late my uncle's, 9 times out of 10 I think of him when I see the light on the dashboard

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rubbaneck96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2022
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I just got hit by a snow removal truck...

...the idiot plowed right into me!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2021
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The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2021
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Two robbers were robbing a bank

One robber said, "Is this whiskey?"

And the other said, "Yeah, but not as whisky as robbing a bank"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeplorableKurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2022
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I saw a robot designed to imitate sibling interaction today! It was lacking in some ways though, so I told the creator what I thought they should do to improve it. They said:

Well, it's only a brototype.

(This joke literally came to me in a dream, I woke up and wrote it down asap. Not sure if it already exists. )

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhrilahja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2021
🚨︎ report
So, I’m a dad. Also, I’ve been baking bread for many years.

Years ago, I created a whole-wheat and oats bread recipe for my daughter and I called it β€œMister Ed Bread” which she didn’t care about because she’s 30 years too young to have any idea who Mr. Ed was, despite me occasionally wandering through the house neighing β€œWilbur….”

Anyway, yesterday I came up with a new recipe, I replaced the oats with potato flour.

I call it "Mister Potato Bread".

When I told my wife she literally bent over laughing and clapping her hands.

😲😁 😜

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2022
🚨︎ report
How to drive a redditor crazy

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Juliabit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2021
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My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...

I must've been Tolkien in my sleep

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wallygonk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2021
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My room is full of soccer player's autograph

It's so Messi

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vietlinh12hoa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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Dad- β€œHey son, want me to tell you why my jacket keeps me so warm, even in this frigid weather?”

Son- β€œSherpa”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FermentToBee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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After eating only half his omelette, son asked how to save it for later

I said β€œI’m no eggspert, but omelette you know what mom thinks”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/th3empirial
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
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Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

It's particularly frustrating because now my fence has fallen over.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2021
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How does a snail move?

By foot!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sufficient_cupid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people claim there are no homosexual plants, but they are wrong...

...they are algae.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tanganica3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crying_eagle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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My father was a conjoined twin.

His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one electron say to the other electron?

Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
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Why didn’t Bill Withers wear shades?

She was gone.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mallthus2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon

Me why?

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....

πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/varthalon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want to know a joke about the Chinese government?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 965
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alphamaya43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the first game a baby plays?

An escape womb

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/motavader
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was my post removed?

Can someone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.

He is my cousin, twice [removed]

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..

... Just had my Appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 618
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'

Until I fell into a printing press.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.

He’s my cousin, twice [removed].

πŸ‘︎ 547
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Pope fly on?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WorldWillEndSoon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.

πŸ‘︎ 684
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently discovered what the past tense of Remove is

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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