.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 29 2022
Mailman
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 09 2021
god damn it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 08 2022
My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night.
Daughter: βDad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?β
Dad: Puzzled, confused look βUm, noβ¦how?β
Daughter: βThey / themβ. (They slash them)
Dad: βIβm so proudβ
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Oct 09 2021
Want to know what disappointment feels like?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 20 2022
I just donated $100 to an organization for blind kids.
What gets me is that they will never see a penny of it.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 01 2021
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 14 2021
Daughter just now while eating lunch: "What's your favorite number?"
Me: "3 and 5."
Wife: "That's odd."
Other daughter: "Even when you add them."
I've done well.
Edit: Spacing.
Edit 2: Holy gold Batman! I told my family we were brief internet celebrities last night, now we're royalty! Thanks the internet!!!
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 05 2021
My 8 year old daughter just came up with this: What do you call Batman when he's hurt?
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 03 2021
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that βDING DONGβ sound. One of my bosses said βanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.β
I said βare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?β
I HAVE WON THE DAY
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 26 2021
No more Suez Canal jokes!
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
What do you call a doctor of interior design?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 13 2022
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...
I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Oct 09 2021
What is a Reddit mod's favorite past tense verb?
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 06 2021
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
This is one of late my uncle's, 9 times out of 10 I think of him when I see the light on the dashboard
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 08 2022
I just got hit by a snow removal truck...
...the idiot plowed right into me!
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 23 2021
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 14 2021
Two robbers were robbing a bank
One robber said, "Is this whiskey?"
And the other said, "Yeah, but not as whisky as robbing a bank"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 16 2022
I saw a robot designed to imitate sibling interaction today! It was lacking in some ways though, so I told the creator what I thought they should do to improve it. They said:
Well, it's only a brototype.
(This joke literally came to me in a dream, I woke up and wrote it down asap. Not sure if it already exists. )
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 23 2021
So, Iβm a dad. Also, Iβve been baking bread for many years.
Years ago, I created a whole-wheat and oats bread recipe for my daughter and I called it βMister Ed Breadβ which she didnβt care about because sheβs 30 years too young to have any idea who Mr. Ed was, despite me occasionally wandering through the house neighing βWilburβ¦.β
Anyway, yesterday I came up with a new recipe, I replaced the oats with potato flour.
I call it "Mister Potato Bread".
When I told my wife she literally bent over laughing and clapping her hands.
π²π π
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 20 2022
How to drive a redditor crazy
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jul 13 2021
My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...
I must've been Tolkien in my sleep
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 16 2021
My room is full of soccer player's autograph
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 09 2022
Dad- βHey son, want me to tell you why my jacket keeps me so warm, even in this frigid weather?β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 12 2022
After eating only half his omelette, son asked how to save it for later
I said βIβm no eggspert, but omelette you know what mom thinksβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 28 2021
Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?
It's particularly frustrating because now my fence has fallen over.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Aug 06 2021
How does a snail move?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 28 2021
Some people claim there are no homosexual plants, but they are wrong...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 19 2021
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 12 2021
My father was a conjoined twin.
His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
π︎ 145
π
︎ May 24 2021
What did one electron say to the other electron?
Donβt get excited. Youβll only get into a state!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 14 2021
Why didnβt Bill Withers wear shades?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 10 2021
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
Do you want to know a joke about the Chinese government?
π︎ 965
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
What's the first game a baby plays?
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jun 27 2021
Why was my post removed?
Can someone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 618
π
︎ May 30 2020
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
Heβs my cousin, twice [removed].
π︎ 547
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
What does the Pope fly on?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Mar 13 2019
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnβt given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
π︎ 684
π
︎ Apr 09 2020
I recently discovered what the past tense of Remove is
π︎ 173
π
︎ Oct 05 2019
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
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