My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night.
Daughter: “Dad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?”
Dad: Puzzled, confused look “Um, no…how?”
Daughter: “They / them”. (They slash them)
Dad: “I’m so proud”
Want to know what disappointment feels like?
I just donated $100 to an organization for blind kids.
What gets me is that they will never see a penny of it.
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
Daughter just now while eating lunch: "What's your favorite number?"
Me: "3 and 5."
Wife: "That's odd."
Other daughter: "Even when you add them."
I've done well.
Edit: Spacing.
Edit 2: Holy gold Batman! I told my family we were brief internet celebrities last night, now we're royalty! Thanks the internet!!!
My 8 year old daughter just came up with this: What do you call Batman when he's hurt?
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
No more Suez Canal jokes!
What do you call a doctor of interior design?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...
I had to break up with her because I was always worried she was seeing someone on the side.
What is a Reddit mod's favorite past tense verb?
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
This is one of late my uncle's, 9 times out of 10 I think of him when I see the light on the dashboard
I just got hit by a snow removal truck...
...the idiot plowed right into me!
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
Two robbers were robbing a bank
One robber said, "Is this whiskey?"
And the other said, "Yeah, but not as whisky as robbing a bank"
I saw a robot designed to imitate sibling interaction today! It was lacking in some ways though, so I told the creator what I thought they should do to improve it. They said:
Well, it's only a brototype.
(This joke literally came to me in a dream, I woke up and wrote it down asap. Not sure if it already exists. )
So, I’m a dad. Also, I’ve been baking bread for many years.
Years ago, I created a whole-wheat and oats bread recipe for my daughter and I called it “Mister Ed Bread” which she didn’t care about because she’s 30 years too young to have any idea who Mr. Ed was, despite me occasionally wandering through the house neighing “Wilbur….”
Anyway, yesterday I came up with a new recipe, I replaced the oats with potato flour.
I call it "Mister Potato Bread".
When I told my wife she literally bent over laughing and clapping her hands.
😲😁 😜
How to drive a redditor crazy
My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...
I must've been Tolkien in my sleep
My room is full of soccer player's autograph
Dad- “Hey son, want me to tell you why my jacket keeps me so warm, even in this frigid weather?”
After eating only half his omelette, son asked how to save it for later
I said “I’m no eggspert, but omelette you know what mom thinks”
Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?
It's particularly frustrating because now my fence has fallen over.
Some people claim there are no homosexual plants, but they are wrong...
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
My father was a conjoined twin.
His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
What did one electron say to the other electron?
Don’t get excited. You’ll only get into a state!
Why didn’t Bill Withers wear shades?
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon
My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
Do you want to know a joke about the Chinese government?
What's the first game a baby plays?
Why was my post removed?
Can someone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
What does the Pope fly on?
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
I recently discovered what the past tense of Remove is
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
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