Anything I can rectum mend?
That’s the story of my life
"It's driving me nuts."
I still think he was selling himself short.
Those are Apple Bottom Genes.
I ode her that much.
They’re worried it’s going to push people over the edge......
The entire stock - wiped out
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
It's called - Hairy Potter.
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
But now I stand corrected
It was an odd love triangle...
The tarotdactyl
While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"
To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."
I'm still absolutely floored with pride.
No one's posted here all decade...
(Regards from New Zealand)
The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.
They probably can't come to agreement on Spiderman because they don't want any strings attached.
People going so crazy it breaks the whole web
So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.
So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."
Bah dum, tss
Me: "Typically I'm dad" :)
I was about thyme.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
It's a new addition.
It was a hit!
She responded “you know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”
So I cut in: “and you still can’t seem to get it right.”
On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.
It was about time
They're all right now.
One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
Josh definitely has a chance at winning the "no Bell" prize this year
"Revolting!"
"How do you stop a gang of clowns?"
"Go for the juggler"
...some STIFF competition
He can never stand corrected.
This can be a good learning experience for you, It's best to get help on the front end, don't be to proud to do that, try your best to stay caught up. I couldn't spell Kat when I first heard the word but with some help I finally picked up on it.
Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"
I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...
(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)
EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:
-
Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)
-
My son is 10 years old and still living at home
-
We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table
Yes energy matters, but only if you you divide it by the speed of light squared.
I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, "Darnit! I was expecting my deoderant to arrive."
Wife, in the most "whatever" tone she could muster: "Oh no! What are you going to do?"
Me: "I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks!'"
Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense.
