My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoobidyMcBoobidy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
As a reward for preventing the ship from running aground

they gave him a hearty "Atta buoy!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal....

Then she's a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Preventing childhood obesity

Is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nigger_Scale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?

The Swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!

That was the solution!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, Friday, February 19th, is National Prevent Plagiarism Day

As a tribute, Reddit r/Jokes will be quarantined for 24 hours.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet....

I get hungry.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows....

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Photographer_Rob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Santa Clause prevent himself from getting coronavirus?

By santatising

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0lSherlockl0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Be like Santa Claus and prevent the spread of Covid

Use Santatizer

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m going to open a restaurant that doesn’t do anything to prevent spreading the pandemic

It’s called Thai Food Mary

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in an 80's band called the prevention

We were better than the cure.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Roman Soldiers have to crucify Jesus 6ft away from the 2 thieves?

...to prevent cross-contamination.

Happy Easter.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What can you use to prevent stepping on your cat all the time?

PURRipheral vision.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmic_cat_art
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.

It’s non friction.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.

They're to prevent meltdowns.

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The benefits of beer listed in bullet pints:

🍺 Beer is more nutritious than other alcoholic drinks.

🍺 Beer can help protect your heart.

🍺 Beer helps prevent kidney stones.

🍺 Beer lowers bad cholesterol.

🍺 Beer strengthens your bones.

🍺 Beer helps reduce stress.

🍺 Beer may help improve memory.

🍺 Beer helps cognitive function.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, I was accosted by an angry Monk brandishing a bouquet.

Remember, only YOU can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainNuge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What has wheels and prevents water rings

A roller coaster

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnels0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the Old West.

If only the cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A new precaution has been implemented to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.

All TCP communications will be converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maneatingrabbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did your mom allow you to be exposed to preventable illnesses?

Because they're not Karen for you

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new boxer with a disability that prevents him from lifting his arms past his waist?

All his opponents seem to have the upper hand.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riffengo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrowerNotAShower2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
XD
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ser_ranserotto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eyes but when I do have something in my eye, it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raven_007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
At least it tells you what it prevents
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMataNui
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My religion prevents me from throwing out old clothing.

We have been called to be holy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dasvott
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle is convinced that his wife prevents flakey scalp in the hair

She's Aunty Dan Druff

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrobbio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.

No really, you can’t make this up.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cujo92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Excess weight could soon be Canada’s second leading preventable cause of cancer, report says

It’s a heavy problem

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KfirLA
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My coworker has to drink alkaline water to prevent IC flare-upsβ€”the higher the pH the better.

That’s so basic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jjazzy1990
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The Mars rovers have to be sterile before being sent to the planet to prevent cross contamination. Just one germ and they must clean the spaceship again...

The whole mission must be scrubbed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...

Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SixPhalaris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaPenguinMann
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked: β€œWhat else could the management provide β€” that might have prevented you from leaving?”

I wrote β€œBirth control.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. β€œ13?”, the scientist asks, β€œI wanted a dozen!”

The lab clerk says β€œI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErectAnarchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
To prevent your gyro meat from drying out, criticize it harshly while cooking.

Give it a good lamb basting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Only you can prevent Florist Friars.
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxGuy5
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Do prison guards use proactive to prevent breakouts?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sdempsey313
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal...

Then she's a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
How does Santa Clause prevent himself from getting coronavirus?

By santatising

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0lSherlockl0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in a band in the 80s called Prevention.

We were better than The Cure.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report

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