I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad

He don’t come around here no more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theichel24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples? Mum now pretty confused: why honey? Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsyPlays
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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A pun a day keeps the doctor away.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaeboomering
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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It’s not the fear that keeps the crows away... it’s the puns.
πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericopolis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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To keep the virus away, I'm taking forever to open the door, refusing to change the temperature and only playing games in single player mode.

In other words, I'm doing everything I can to be a bad host.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmaniak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away but so does a restraining order

I tried okay

πŸ‘︎ 522
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zi657
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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The grocery delivery guy keeps wearing a mask and always stands 2 feet away from me...

I think I need to shower.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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I keep giving away furniture to the poor

I'm very chairatable.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoCool21
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Why did the farmer mistakenly work extra hard to keep barley and wheat away from his prized ox?

The vet had recently diagnosed him with silly yak disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/das_bic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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What do you say to a Chinese llama that keeps running away?

Llama-stay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_kibble
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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My pawpaw always did his best to keep his cows away from the mushrooms.

He didn't want the steaks to get too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
"An apple a day keep the doctor away" they say, but only if you have good aim.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geekcommunicant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?

Yes, but only if you throw it really hard and aim well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Keep away from the letters SOGOD...

They're damaged goods.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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when a dog barks loudly to keep intruders away from the house, it is creating a protection racket

think about that. your dog is the mafia now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/findanegg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

If a doctors kid eats an apple everyday, would he ever see his dad?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peaced01
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

but dad jokes for 7 days makes one weak.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdos93
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How does the cow keep his tent from blowing away?

With stakes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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I figured out why my dog keeps running away.

He has flees.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overdubbed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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What does Sean Connery wear to keep other people away from him?

shunglasses.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExdigguserPies
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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An apple a day might keep the doctor away...

But if you want to find inner peace, you need a Daily Llama

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8speech
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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How to keep elephants away

A man is sprinkling a powder all over the streets, when a policeman walks up to him and asks what on earth he is doing. The man replies saying keeping the elephants away of course! It's elephant repellent!

The officer replies, don't be absurd, there are no elephants here. The man replies saying then it must be working!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notsoawkward
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2016
🚨︎ report
An apple a day keeps the doctor away

But only if you throw it hard enough

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brillmedal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
An apple a day keeps the doctor away

But in my experience, so does an air rifle

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StagyDais
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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An apple a day will keep anyone away

If you throw it hard enough...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolesawPolska
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
🚨︎ report
An Apple A Day Will Keep The Doctor Away...

IF YOU THROW IT HARD ENOUGH!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pachydermis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2017
🚨︎ report

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