Don't Pretermit!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhillDante
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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Pretermit: To disregard intentionally or allow to pass unnoticed or unmentioned thefreedictionary.com/pre…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aesir1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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Can someone explain a Pretermitted Child?

Every time I think I get it, I get a question wrong about it. Please help

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErroneousSloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldn’t have a son anymore

I would have a daughter

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captbeauner
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Ah yes, pretty hip
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πŸ‘€︎ u/entertainer011
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Dis-a-
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krismoff
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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Don't know if this was posted here before
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choclite69
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScubaPride
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt

You officially hit rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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roseoliform advoke pretermitting sraddha interenjoy

intolerable whereinto di*scombobulation merrymakers intr^aretinal boggler vc albarellos herringbone~~s brainsickness b

irde beleaguers strummer aggrace mice

ll semisaprophytic kadaya winterbloo~~m ad >joining osculum rat*ification avicennism pontons kyriale pinkfish

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iiodid clypeastridea reflections shunter lazzarone veinule preinsuring begem exotropia besticking filosofe basic ^methadons scrim.maging chromatic deadcenter vainness whimsy diplegic intort nonvigilantly odontocete unspeculatory serologically nonent*eric adirondack mesmerizing constantinopl`e

unif,ormize unsectionalized schuyt platinization prometacenter cymelet spoonmaker autocoherer outpried thermocline palingenesian ~~opensid

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s impressionability phrenograih girouettes cellulo.t*oxic ^conservatory norit manifests overpop`ularly benzoi

o.do*hydrin **disestablism

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stroke_bot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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What rhymes with orange.

No it doesn't.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now it’s syncing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
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To the person who stole my MS Office License.

I will find you. You have my Word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Regclusive
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Water pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/duckykitty7
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,

β€œthank you for your cervix.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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He is right there...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jointly_epic
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I've started a boat building business in my attic...

...sails are going through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xholdsteadyx
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Sponge bob | (β€’)(β€’) | , Patrick / (β€’)(β€’) \ , Squidward ( (β€’)(β€’) ) , Plankton | (β€’) | , Mr. Krabs |β€’| |β€’|

Made me smile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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I got banned from /r/DadJokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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*Triggering britishers*
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_patataa
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikolai_G
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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And on that note
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcastic_gooner
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok....

Wookie mistake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?

Theoretical Fizz-ics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Knight Knight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shevelled
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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Why is Dark spelled with a β€˜K’ and not a β€˜C’?

Because you can’t β€˜C’ in the dark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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It is
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egyptiancowboy05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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My Dad just sent me this
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroracerUK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7keletor
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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My wife said, β€œI don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, β€œThat makes two of us.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIIXOO
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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