If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"
Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I was in church the other day and the vicar was pointing his finger going "Pew, pew, pew". I asked him if he was pretending to fire a laser pistol or something...
He said "Nope, just counting the seats".
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
My son asked me today what déjà vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
6 pretends to be afraid of 7. When really 9, 8, 10.
Who works after they're fired?
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
My girlfriend was up until 2am pretending to be absorbent cloth
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted
I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
When a Jehovah's Witness dies....
Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
An undercover cop visits a doctors surgery...
...he pretends to be a patient and when the doctor it's him down he says:
DR: how can I help?
Cop: Well I'm actually here because you're in trouble
DR: Don't worry sir, most men your age suffer urine trouble!
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Simple solution to my fear of the dark
I just close my eyes and pretend it's not there
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
Sometimes I pretend to steal things
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
Me (calling out): Hey kid! Pretend to be a cat!
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse
While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children.
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost...?
Fun day out at the beach
So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.
So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close.
You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like “we arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said “if you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”
that was the punch line >insert finger guns<
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?
My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it.
But the truth is, I can't stand it.
I hired a babysitter the other day who pretends to be an owl
Called her a hootin' nanny
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear...
She asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Learning to be a bartender is pretending.
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