My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My wife and I got into a heated argument where she told me I had to stop pretending to be a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
Did you hear about the man who was cancelled for pretending to be an emu?
I like to pretend that I have Tourette Syndrome so I can cuss in public. Today I went wild on a crowded elevator.
Yeah. It was wrong on so many levels.
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
My son asked me today what déjà vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.
So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
Dad: *Watching cop show with daughter late at night* Dad: Time for bed kiddo! Daughter: I’m not tired yet though!
Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted
My girlfriend was up until 2am pretending to be absorbent cloth
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.
Who works after they're fired?
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
Sometimes I pretend to steal things
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?
Me (calling out): Hey kid! Pretend to be a cat!
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse
While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children.
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?
When a Jehovah's Witness dies....
Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?
What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost...?
My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it.
But the truth is, I can't stand it.
I hired a babysitter the other day who pretends to be an owl
Called her a hootin' nanny
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"
Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”
I said, “But wait, I can change!”
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear...
She asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.
But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?
Learning to be a bartender is pretending.
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