My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

πŸ‘︎ 330
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.

She thinks that I'm a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elasmotheriums
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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My wife and I got into a heated argument where she told me I had to stop pretending to be a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gooeymermaid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Did you hear about the man who was cancelled for pretending to be an emu?

He was ostrich-sized

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaborOnion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I like to pretend that I have Tourette Syndrome so I can cuss in public. Today I went wild on a crowded elevator.

Yeah. It was wrong on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"

I said "no wait, I can change."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me today what dΓ©jΓ  vu meant as some bet. I pretended I didn't hear him to make him ask me again so I could teach him.

So he yelled, "Hey - ya new tent has come I bet!" as he ran to the door

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit

It's a running gag

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joy3111
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: *Watching cop show with daughter late at night* Dad: Time for bed kiddo! Daughter: I’m not tired yet though!

Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head

When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_nothinghd
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4yo daughter was playing ice cream shop, pretending that little pieces of chalk were the ice cream flavors. She asked me what flavor I wanted

Chalkolate

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was up until 2am pretending to be absorbent cloth

She's a real night towel

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?

You stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehornyghost
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.

He's totally a sucker.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glt23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Who works after they're fired?

Bullets

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sameerinamdar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.

I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.

I’m tired of his mine games.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

β€œThat’s just spam.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal

He was sick of me horsing around

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I pretend to steal things

This is mime now

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human? reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human?

A purrson

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Me (calling out): Hey kid! Pretend to be a cat!

The kid: "Me? How?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse

He answered me neigh

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show

"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....

"Ok, that's a Wrap"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyCritter83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children.

It's a cherished air-loom in my family.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?

A college athlete.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dethsoup
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When a Jehovah's Witness dies....

Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost...?

Pika-BOO!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it.

But the truth is, I can't stand it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I hired a babysitter the other day who pretends to be an owl

Called her a hootin' nanny

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DumbassNinja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Girls who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of shit reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lelushky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 652
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "will you stop pretending to be a flamingo"

Sorry, but I had to put my foot down with that one.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said, β€œI’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”

I said, β€œBut wait, I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 290
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear...

She asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

In my best bear voice, I replied, β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
🚨︎ report
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I had to stop pretending to be butter.

But I can't stop now! I'm on a roll!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Andiloo11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Learning to be a bartender is pretending.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JukeboxSommelier
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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