When my wife got home, she had fruit preserves all over her car.

It was a serious traffic jam.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I came across jars of preserved body parts in a haunted house.

It was very eary.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4wincle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2022
🚨︎ report
Why don’t they have dogs in wildlife preserves?

It’d be a shit zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SHDUStudios
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
🚨︎ report
Why did the jar of preserves envy the jar of jam?

It was jelly

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kozlee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2022
🚨︎ report
Sweet preserves

I tried to open a jar of jelly time and time again, but just couldn't.
I looked at the jar, and saw it was jam-d. :D

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
How does a Super Saiyan preserve his meat reserves?

He Friezas them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2022
🚨︎ report
How do you preserve an Apple car?

You give it a wax coating!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossqbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: "Did you know that preserving these vegetables in a jar can prolong their life by years?"

Son: "Can it?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTee123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The Sinking of the Titanic: A Global Tragedy

Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.

One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexico’s ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.

An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.

The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.

But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.

Much to Gomez’s misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.

Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomez’s operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexico’s hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.

The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2022
🚨︎ report
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,

along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.

Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MetaEd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.

It was my entire life savings,

πŸ‘︎ 760
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Gatorade should run some kind of charity promotion where they raise funds to help preserve endangered species of alligator.

Gator-aid.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkbuster_G
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to advertise my homemade fruit preserves at clubs.

Whenever a song comes on, I’ll hold up a jar and say, β€œThis is my jam!”

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
This joke is worth preserving
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arbitrary_Bastion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I named my spotify playlist β€œfruit preserves”

cuz its a jam

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Comsicwastaken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I preserved this for you guys
πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.

It's what he would've wanted.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-_-robot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand people who preserve four leaf clovers...

They’re really pressing their luck.

Edit: Thank you very much for the unexpected medal!

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does fruit not like preserving ?

The process is jarring

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, not everyone can preserve perishable goods inside metallic containers

But I can!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thattransgal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fruit preserves on my finger.

Doctor said it was jammed

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I sometimes gets startled when I make preserves

Its jarring

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaurususaurus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Sticky situation
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL that Cards Against Humanity joked that they could buy an island with the money they donate to charity, so they bought an island in Maine to preserve wildlife. They named it β€˜Hawaii 2’ because β€œit’s on the Maine land.” connecticut.cbslocal.com/…
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Spicy_Tuna69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Not the greatest,brought out a chuckle
πŸ‘︎ 542
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AM10_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you use to preserve a dead animal you don't really care about?

Casualdehyde

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ask-a-physicist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
🚨︎ report
The first clinical trials for a male birth control gel are underway...

They're calling it Sonblock

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StryfeSixx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Managed to drop one of the classics today.

Wife and Daughter are sat watching something while I’m doing the Tesco shop on my phone. - Strawberry jam is on the list, I seize my moment

β€œY’know what” i say

β€œ - now I think about it…. I like strawberry jam… and I like blackberry jam … but I don’t like lemon preserve”

<dramatic pause>

β€œThat just a curd to me”

Priceless!!!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamdecal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to remove the lid from a jar of preserves. I tried but...

It was jammed.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigfoot13442
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
How do you preserve a sheep.....?

....you lamb-inate it....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves

However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.

After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution.

They decided to Pump Up The Jam.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What Do you call berries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/River-Song-1986
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend was like, I didn't know you were into preserving fruit

And I was like yeah, that's totally my jam

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ehtBlackberry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Food preservers do it when they can
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/who_body
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo…

All the other paintball players started freaking out though…

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you preserve a baby sheep?

With laminate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lost_if_found
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the new song created using only jars of preserves?

It's a slow jam.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Infinite_one
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Raspberry preserves

That's my jam.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Found an old box of Tic Tacs under the bed from 1997 and I amazed at how well preserved they were.

They were in mint condition.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NegativePrimitive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a store that sells fruit preserves?

A jellycatessen

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_of_Few
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Never make friends with fruit preserves....

They're always stuck in a jam

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kablaaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2021
🚨︎ report
We preserve objects very well these days.

Soon, artefacts may just become a thing of the past.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Artifcial_autism
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the musician making a song about preserves?

He says it's his currant jam.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ObjectionPW
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I spent all day preserving the fruit of my garden. You could say it was a jam packed day.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Creditcard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Heard the song about preserved strawberries?

It's my jam these days.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb_ravenclaw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.