There are hot shingles in your area
Is putting items through the ringer
A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......
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A dog is like a “POLITICIAN”
It got mugged.
and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.
Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.
I'd pick the decoration class. Gotta get those Evaseve perks.
A Smashing Pumpkins track started playing. (Mayonnaise)
My dad perked up and said he liked it. I told him it was on the same album as "Disarm".
He paused for a moment before sheepishly smiling and said "Disarm, or dat arm?"
Thanks for the laugh this morning, dad.
He was used to living the good life, and all the perks that go with it. His refined palette missed the fine dining, at five-star restaurants run by top chefs. Now reduced to eating macaroni and cheese with hotdogs, he looked down at his plate and contemplated suicide.
It was a wurst case scenario.
Last night I was at a bar with a couple buddies and a girl I've been seeing (we'll call her Melissa). We're playing 2v2 pool and I'm on Melissa's team when my other buddy shoots and misses. Being fairly new to pool, Melissa perks up and says "Is it my turn?"
To which I said "That would be your cue" as I handed her her pool stick.
Dad: "Twenty dollars?... What do you need ten dollars for?"
(Credit to the dad from "The perks of being a wallflower" movie, at least that's where I just heard it)
My uncle walked out of his bedroom wearing a green sweatshirt. My mom perked up and exclaimed in all excitement, "That's my favorite color!" My uncle, unflinching and without missing a beat replied, "Caucasian?" And gives the most wry smile in the midst of a racially awkward silence. I inappropriately giggled. I might be kicked out of the family.
P. S. I know it's not my dad, but he's a dad to some of the people who were in the room. So it counts.
We're trying to plan dinners for the next week and my sister asks what everyone wants for dinner tomorrow. My mom perks up and says, "I have chicken breasts that we can use." Nobody really hears her so she repeats herself probably five more time saying the same thing. "I have chicken breasts, I have chicken breasts!" My dad comes into the room and he just says, "Well I feel very sorry for you. " and leaves.
I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas.
Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. "you know her real secret right? She only cooks 239 beans at a time"
We all look at him puzzled, grandma included.
"Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty!" (240)
My family was sitting round the table for our bi-weekly dinner, and the conversation was about my Brothers GF's recent trip to Paris. My Dad perked up from his food when the River Seine was mentioned asking "Did you see anyone jump it? Because if you had than they were Insane!"
I was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch yesterday and chatting with my fellow volunteers when one of them pulls out one of those shaker bottles that people mix up protein powder in. Hers just had water in it, but she hadn't taken out the metal shaker.
Without skipping a beat, the man on my left perks up and says, "Wow, that's some fancy spring water you've got there!"
Cue the groans.
Me: "Don't answer my next question. Do you always do what you're told?"
She sat there for a full thirty seconds, mentally wrestling with an answer that would prove she's a good girl while still complying with the instruction to not answer the question. Eventually she settled on "Oh Daaaad!" and went back to eating.
Trolling your children, one of the perks of fatherhood.
Coffee used to be made in a coffee pot. Now, everyone uses a drip coffee maker, but they still call the container a pot. It doesn't get put on a fire to make the coffee perk, so it isn't a coffee pot. It is a carafe.
You have a carafe of coffee. You pour the coffee out of the carafe into a cup. It is now decarafinated coffee.
I am a dad, and I approve this message!
