I was a DJ performing at a fishing dock
You should've seen it when I dropped the bass
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.
He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology
“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
After 15 years I thought I was finally over my addiction of performing stunts from old western movies
But today I've fallen off the wagon.
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.
I thought my wife said we were having a boy, but she just gave birth to a self-luminous gaseous spheroidal body who immediately started performing nuclear fusion reactions
I'm really not ready to have a Sun. Any advice?
Ever hear about the poorly-performing mushroom farm?
There isn't mushroom for more mushrooms
I never take my herding dog into the theatre, but tonight my children are performing.
So I might let my coliseum.
A trapeze artist was performing without a net...
'cuz Annette had called in sick that day.
I got kicked out of the Mime Academy for performing unspeakable acts
Kind of glad they kicked me out because their curriculum made me feel boxed in
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,
"Jesus died for your scenes."
I'll be performing on stage after the band Viagra Boys
That's a hard act to follow
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said...
..."There are 99 people in that choir."
My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?"
I replied, "They are singing >!"Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.!<"
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
Why did the comedian stop performing in Hawaii?
Because the people there wouldn't even give him "A low-ha"
Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.
Adele is performing in my city (Brisbane) tonight and it's crazy. Thought this pun was suitable.
The Doors, in 1966, heard the news about Buddhist monks performing acts of self immolation. After listening to what was occurring, they decided to make a heartfelt song to express their solidarity with the Buddhist plight.
And that’s why we have a song called “Light my Friar”.
My dad told me he was exhausted after performing hundreds of operations today.
A Mexican magician is performing his final trick...
"On the count of three, I will make myself disappear.
Uno...
Dos..."
Poof
He was gone without a tres.
I went to the circus and saw a wet flying mammal performing stunts.
Beethoven performing for a huge crowd
Beethoven: You guys wanna hear some hot symphonies?
Crowd: Yeeaahhhhh!!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you!!
I've spent 20 years performing maintenance on limos.
and yet I've got nothing to chauffer it.
Performing regular vehicle maintenance can prevent issues down the road.
What do you call it when a tree is performing science experiments?
If a Samurai has second thoughts while performing seppuku..
Is he having a mid-knife crisis?
Two dancers are performing.
One is a always one post behind the other. The name of the act? Pre"pose"turous!
Musicians are performing in a subway car...
"Thanks for all of your support! We would like to thank our opening and closing acts...The Doors."
Watching a video of Adele performing when my friend walks in...
Friend: is that Adele?
Me: naw it's a Mac
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