What's the penalty for making your wife mad?

Fine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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My dad just legit made this joke: i was playing NHL20 and I hit a dude against the glass and got a penalty..

My dad looked at me and said β€œI think your player went to Boarding School.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahongXD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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Why did the chicken get a penalty?

For fowl play.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Overbrewing tea has a steep penalty.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazy-aubergine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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The death penalty isn't a bad idea in concept, but...

I'm not happy with the execution.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prom3th3an
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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After numerous icings in a hockey game, a player was sent to the penalty box.

He needed time to thaw out.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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My dad was watching hockey was yelling at the tv because the ref didn't call a penalty for high sticking

I told him to chill and he said "I AM CHILL" so I yelled back "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DAD".. That's right.. I dad joked my dad

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Braydon-J-Durham
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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What's the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenTree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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What's the biggest problem with the death penalty?

Its execution

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disrupturous
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Me, as an Englishman during the penalty shootout today: β›ΊπŸŽͺ

I was two tents.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z0MGbies
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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My dog leads the NHL in penalty minutes.

He’s always ruffing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pompstomp
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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Why did the security director for SDCC impose harsh penalties on heckler in the convention halls?

She had con-troll issues.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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I like the theory of the death penalty

But I have a problem with the execution.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawaii_dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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Why should you never grab another person's facemask?

It's a 15 yard penalty and automatic 1st down.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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The NBA has suspended the season...

It would be a little hard to play with everyone getting penalties, since people with corona-virus love to travel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShrpStick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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Some people think the Pittsburgh Steelers have a good starting QB in "Duck" Hodges

But the truth is, he puts the Steelers at risk of getting penalties all game long...

...Because on every play...

There's fowl on the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave89701
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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How many wives can a man have?

Sixteen: Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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How do owls decide the winner of drawn football matches?

With a penalty hootout.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuruGarySingh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I just saved someone from having a stroke!

I live on the edge of a golf course, and someone’s golf ball landed in our yard, so I grabbed it, ran over to the fairway before they got there and tossed it on. I saved them a penalty stroke!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpine4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Di

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Can anyone help me out? I was caught stealing hearing aids...

And given the deaf penalty

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cunt_Puffin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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My wife will make a great dad...

My wife and I were visiting family last week, and with my wife's older sister and 7-year-younger brother, he was asking us about forest fires. Discussing having a fire pit in your backyard during a fire ban:

younger brother: What's the penalty for starting a forest fire, like, if there's a ban?

wife: firing squad

me: =D

everyone else: ಠ_ಠ

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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Why did the chicken get a penalty?

For fowl play.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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