Quit Putin him down!
They're very handy.
That took a lot of balls.
He's a real neighsayer.
You can call me an anti-faxer.
But then I had a change of heart!!
But it's really grown on me
Because they think carbon should be married already.
They were Auntie-theticals
I’ve really been opposed to beards in the past because I don’t like how they look. But because of laziness, I now have a beard. And to be honest, it’s really grown on me
I was circumcised, and I wasn't able to walk for an entire year!
They now use them for wool
It weighed won ton.
Because my thumbs are opposable.
He got it from one of the cardinals
He finds them opposable.
Because the thumbs always oppose.
A house brick.
You: I don't box. How about a quick round of poker?
I'm doing a poster on Electron Absorption Spectroscopy, where we measure the absorption of 4 Dyes, and I need a title. My old title was "Dye Another Day" but I decided to make the poster paint themed as opposed to James Bond themed and if possible I'd like a title that reflects that. Thanks!
My boyfriend and I had just pulled a pizza out of the oven, and he asked me how many pieces he should cut it into. Grinning and smooth as can be, I laid this blonde joke on him (I am naturally medium blond) "Oh, cut it into 6, I could never eat 8!" The look of WTF was priceless!
Quick little blurb I wrote in class: “To pee, or not to pee, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention. Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it. To go-to pee, No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d. “
Opposed?
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
Conversation between bf and his cousin:
Bf: So, what's new with you?
Cousin: I wish I had something cool to say to that, like, I built an aircraft with my bear hands! I never have anything cool like that...
Bf: Understandable! How could you have built an aircraft without opposable thumbs?
Moment of silence. Moment of laughter. Queue interesting conversation.
An original from my dad's Facebook:
Y'know, back in the day, if you said "stable genius," you'd be talking 'bout Mr. Ed. Of course, back then, you'd be talking 'bout an entire horse, as opposed to the rear half that currently resides in the Oval Office.
silence
"All who oppose say Nay"
"Horse county has been without a leader for…"
And he says: "New TRON? As opposed to the pro TRON?" ^(neutron / proton )
My wife’s gone to the Caribbean.
Oh, Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.
He does it mainly with other dads. Who all seem to be in on it and ALWAYS ask "Jamaica"as opposed to another Caribbean island! It's like a world wide conspiracy.
So my friend is a photographer and always notices the lighting and comments on how it would be for taking photos. We walk out my house and it's all gloomy.
Me: Ugh, it's so gloomy out. Her: I love it! The low key lighting is great for photos! Me: As opposed to Thor lighting? Her: Grooaaannn....
Haha 'low key' = 'Loki'? Ehh, I'm a dork
I have been avoiding the coffee at work as it has the same pH as battery acid and has been bugging my stomach. As such, I've been making tea as a pick-me-up in the morning. I was in the break room making my morning tea while a coworker was making some coffee.
Coworker: "So no coffee today?"
Me: "Nope. It's not really my cup of tea anymore. As opposed to this cup of tea, which is my cup of tea."
Commence groaning.
Mom: Can you check on the pizza in the oven? Dad: As opposed to where?
I come home with a bottle of soya milk (as opposed to the regular milk that my family is used to).
Dad: What's that?
Me: Soya milk.
Dad: Soya think that's good for you?
Awesome.
